Ad season continues

Lord save us from our friends

Uh, where did the U.S. aid to Pakistan to help combat terrorism go? Er, our dog ate it? We've got it right here, it's just missing? Um, can I get back to you on that?
What $2 billion loose floating U.S. aid dollars can buy:

• 600 million pashminas.
• 6,700,000 formal shalwar kameezes.
• 1 million Balochistani rugs.
• 20 tons of Pakistani hash.
  

Just the other day

Israeli soldiers were playing volleyball. Today Islamic Jihad rockets rattle down while Hamas militants try to keep it cool. Eight hundred fires in California, and the hot season in the mountains is still to come. Deer swimming across fields in Missouri and the rain still coming down. FEMA saying how much easier it is to serve white people. Tornadoes past, and we're not yet to hurricane season yet. And you wonder if the end is coming?

People get ready

Due to reader request

An overseer at a Manhattan boiler room asks that more attention be paid to articles published by the New York Times such as the one describing a proposed ballot measure put forward by the Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco to change the name of the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant to the George W. Bush Sewage Treatment Plant effective Jan. 20, 2008.

A Republihypocrite intern scandal

The Butch Justice department under Alberto Gonzales didn't only pick and choose true Butchies for it's regular paid spots. It made sure no tainted pinkies made it into the intern ranks, denying interviews to Harvard and Yale grads.
GOSPers always say they are against affirmative action as the basest form of racism imaginable, but affirmative action based on political ideology is a necessary social palliative, helping advance the more unfortunate, intellectually inferior or just mediocre American sons and daughters.

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: My friend left Tel Aviv about the time Sarkozy did when the Israeli soldier either committed suicide or accidentally discharged his weapon and then flew into Manila during the typhoon and then back to D.C. What kind of wine should I bring to dinner?
A: I'm guess there must be more easier way to make occupation, perhaps pleasant French red.
Q: The Canadians are winning in Kandahar, etc., fighting the Al Quaida war we are supposed to be in while we are refereeing a grudge match between the Sunnis and the Shiites, and our allies are shooting at us, and Shiite guards blew up the Badr City City Council building. and we are paying American contractors in Iraq to do our fighting for us because we don't trust our own guys, and tell me how we are going to "win" this war?
A: Most Americans oppose the war and support withdrawal and a majority of recently polled Americans said McCain't would do a better job on handling the war.
Q: Are you sure you're a doctor?
A: Exercise and walking through the mountain air and getting a good night's sleep, is that the kind of thing you're looking for?

Weird twists of logic in defense of the Almighty

James Dobson officially doesn' t care for McCain't, but clearly dislikes Obama worse. Forget all that love thy neighbor and thou shalt not bear false witness stuff. Dobson is authorized to say which parts of the Good Book apply when and how.
Dobson and Tom Minnery, vice president for Focus on Family's government and public policy, accused Obama of "wrongly equating Old Testament texts and dietary codes that no longer apply to Jesus' teachings in the New Testament."
What happened to "God said it, I believe it, that settles it"? Biblical inerrancy holds that the Bible is without error or contradiction. So is Jimmy going to go on the radio nationwide and say that the Bible has errors and contradictions? Let's all hold our breath.
Meanwhile, in a deft change of subject, Minnery takes another Obama statement that is plain on its face and cries foul, saying "Many call Al Sharpton a black racist, and Obama is equating Dobson with racial bigotry." Umm. No, he didn't, but please fellows, never miss an opportunity to bring up race and play the victim card.

Pick a side and stick with it, part 2

For years we have been hearing rightwindbags say that the Dems hate Butch so much (or America so much or America so much that they wish for a bad economy or high gas prices or some other showcase of horribles so they can turn it to political advantage. Now comes top McCain't advisor and former chair of the RNC Charlie Black saying one good terrorist strike could put McCain't campaign in the bag.
Charlie Black is not some nutcase blogger on the fringe. He is a chief strategist, a top advisor to Reaguns, GWHButch, Jesse Helms, Bob Dole, Phil Gramm, etc. He wasn't making some stray comment caught on someone's cellphone, but a deliberate, calculated statement that only McCain't can save us, and -- like Gingrich says -- maybe it's best for everyone in the long run if we just take a shot now. Gee, if there only some kind of missile defense system over Lawton.
Don't ever let it be said again that the Dems wish harm on the U.S. for political advantage now that the official GOSPer strategy is to hope for the worst.

What's at stake

A timely message

Something most of us hadn't thought to worry about yet, but put it on your list

A DuPont Circle policy manufacturer asks the musical question, "When was the last time you lost sleep worrying about whether the Large Hadron Collider was going to kill us all with strange matter?" Well that's too long.

In response to reader requests

Des Moines River, Des Moines (normally the water goes under the bridge)

From a recent lecture at the Naropa Institute

When two men lie down together, it's an abomination, but when several men lie together to bomb a nation, that's okay. -- Swami Beyondananda

The significance of polling numbers

Too often, the non-Beagle media misinterpret polling numbers by focusing on the wrong elements. In a recent poll conducted by the Beagletown Bugle, a solid majority believed that Ann C(a certain word)lter was a "c" (65%), while smaller percentages believed she was an "a" or a "d." But this Rosarch-oriented test proved something far more significant -- that at least 16 people in the world read at least some portion of the Beagle.

More recently, Lawton, OK -- home of Ft. Sill and an apparent zoning law that requires that all commercial property go in the following order: check cashing place, liquor store, church, strip joint, bar, check cashing place, liquor store, church, strip joint, bar -- is taking a beating as America's most expendable city, but the Beagle editerrible board could not care less. The Beagle's tail is, however, wagging like a Buddy Miles drum solo because 24 people have voted -- a 150 percent increase over the previous poll. At this rate we expect to have 1,000,000 readers by...um...Christmas.

...you do need a hippy dippy weatherman to tell which way the wind blows

If the Beagle engaged in profanity it would have some choice words here.

Standing firm (unitl it's time to flip)

It was easy in the Butch days to characterize any Dem as a "flipper," since the Current Occupant has never changed his mind from what his handlers told him and has never, ever, ever made a mistake in his Presidential career (according to his own account).
But it is going to be increasingly hard as the campaign goes forward -- not that the Republibogglers intend to change their strategy -- to call the kettle black, so to speak. McCain't and his surrogates are whining that Obama "flipped" on playing by the public financing rules and caps thereon. But wait a minute. McCain't held firmly to all sides of the public financing issue during the primaries. First he said he wouldn't take public financing, then he said he thought he might and used the promise as collateral on a loan, then he didn't take the money and said he didn't need it to get the loan.
Sen. Lindsay Graham was in a regular dither on Beat the Press, screwing up his face like he was sitting on a pile of Limburger and saying, "Obama will do anything to win, while John McCain't is running because he cares about America." Puh-leeeze. He cares about the public financing because he is in a deep financial hole, and apparently will straight talk his way past any fact or previous position to win.

Toward a new energy policy

The Beagle's eastern Tennessee correspondent forwarded a little piece that is going around that helps put the latest episode of Butch stamping his foot about what Democrats aren't doing in perspective.

Joshua Holland, editor of Corporate Accountability and Workplace Coverage, notes that "opening up the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge would result in a decrease in oil prices amounting to 75 cents per barrel of crude, some 17 years from now." [italics editted in] "Opening up ANWR and drilling like Hell offshore would result in cost savings to consumers of about 6 cents per gallon of gas. And that's by 2025."

The Beagle urges the White House to take steps that would produce a more expeditious effect, and that's lift up all four arms in prayer to the gods of the pump. Or adopt the energy policy proposed by the George H.W. Bush Administration -- make sure your tires are properly inflated.

Pick a side and stick to it

The Current Occupant and Johannes McCain't are upset with the U.S. Supreme Court right now because they failed to understand that Guantanamo is not American territory, and yet -- at the same time -- want to gloss over that whole provision of the U.S. Constitution that says "No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President." What natural born part of the United States was Johannes McCain't naturally born in? Panama, our 51st state.

Hawaiian liberation

The Beagle is unaccustomed to speaking in favor of monarchies, especially with the United States moving so close to an absolutist, inherited Bush dynasty (look for Jeb or Dorra and later George P. Bush to take the throne). But at the same time, we are sympathetic to most native liberation movements, so we take this opportunity to go on record in support of Queen Mahealani Kahau and the Hawaiian Kingdom Government. Associated Press reports that the state is banking on a strategy of ignoring them and hoping they go away, but the movement has 1,000 members, and if each one can just recruit 1,300 members apiece, they will have it made.

For the record, the Beagle also supports the Texas nationalist movement, but unlike many southerners has grown past fighting the war of secession (1860-65).

Republinadequates go on the couch

The GOSPers' infantile inability to take responsibility for any of their actions indicates a deep-seated desire to be a) coddled by their mothers, which is why they work so hard to keep women limited to the mother role, and b) controlled by their fathers, in the person of an omnipotent strongman who can dictate their behaviors.

9/11? That was Clinton's fault, even though his people specifically warned the incoming Butch Administration to keep an eye on Osama Bin Laden and his pals. Butch tells a grieving nation he will catch him dead or alive. Then later he says it doesn't matter if we catch him. Then later when he's worried about what people might say, he's hot on the trail again.

The economy? It was great in the Clinton years, even after Clinton and the Congress did the two things GOSPer economists always say will kill the economy -- increased taxes to help balance the budget and raised the minimum wage. The GOSPer revisionist history says the good days were the magical residual effect of St. Ronald Reagan.

A trillion dollars in tax giveaways to the wealthiest Americans later, we are in the tank. The trickle down has trickled down mostly in the form of tips to scantily clad Cayman Island cocktail waitresses and the guys who swab the decks on their yachts. Whose fault for the federal budget deficit, weak dollar, trade imbalance, etc. that all were in full control of Republevasionists? Well, Clinton's, of course, because he besmirched the Oral Office, and aren't you glad that Al Gore wasn't elected because he would have just surrendered to the terrorists, and how would you like activist judges making people be gay and weaken marriage by getting married.

Now comes Butch all tough and serious saying that the Democratic Congress has failed to do what he told them to do and open up drilling in every park, beach, or vacant lot (on your side of town) in the country. Like the energy crisis just happened the day before yesterday and the six years the GOSPers controlled everything -- White House, Senate, House, every federal agency, most of the media, etc., they couldn't have done anything.

What's frightening is that some little neo-Nazis like Glen Bleeech are wailing that he wasn't tough enough. Bleeech says Strongman Butch should have just cowboyed up, declared that he was going to drill all over the Rocky Mountain west and in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and up and down every beach on the Pacific, Atlantic, and Gulf coasts. "And if the enviropansies in Congress don't like it, just come impeach me and Cheney, too."

Oh, but wait. It turns out that some of those restrictions on drilling are actually White House executive orders that he could change without bashing the Democrats during the political season. White House spokesbimbo Dana Perino says, sure he could act, but Dems first.

GOSPers like to say they are the party of personal responsibility. Yes, they will personally hold the Democrats responsible for anything that goes awry.

(If Beagles wore hats, the Beagle would have to tip its hat to a faithful mountain reader who has broken her fist from pounding the table every time the Current Occupant does something stoopid.)

Kultral Notes plus commentary on the rest of the political season

At the risk of descending into mere infotainment (a violation of the Beagle's editerrible policy), the best 20 seconds in the musical Hairspray is Queen Latifah (as Motormouth Maybelle) making a prediction on the Republihateful strategy for the 2008 presidential campaign:

You better brace yourself for a whole lot of ugly coming at you from a never-ending parade of stoopid.

This is in no way a recommendation to see this movie. At least the 1988 version had the Madison. The Beagle continues to wait patiently for the Broadway musical production of Pink Flamingos.

McClatchy pays price for reporting truth

In the midst of publishing the most thoroughgoing analysis of the high crimes and misdemeanors involved in the United States going around the world playing Jack Bauer in Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, Bagram, and elsewhere, McClatchy News announced it would lay off 1,400 people.

"We can't have people looking into these things too closely," said White House spokesbimbo Dana Perino. "The media in general needs to take a cue from Fax News and just stick to the freaking talking points...Is that so damn hard?"

Legs worth fighting in Kandahar for

Another free ad for the Republiboggletheimagination Party

Tomorrow's Today Show today

Interrogation tips

If a detainee dies, you're doing it wrong. -- Jonathon M. Fredman, top lawyer for the CIA's Counterterrorist Center

What alternative do we have?

No need to listen to hours of analysis

Once again, the Beagle advises you to stay away from all the stress and strain of reading the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Lawton Constitution, Gary Post-Tribune, Sacramento Bee, and watching endless hours of Fax News, MSNBC, CNNNN, or listening to talk radio. Just go straight to the GOSPer talking points:

• You should be very, very, very afraid. We are at a red-orange threat condition, and there are terrorists on every corner, and we may raise the threat condition to crimson before election day because we understand what is at stake and heaven help us now that Supreme Court has decided to let all the terrorists out on Columbus Circle.
• Barack Obama is naive and none too bright and he lives in a Sept. 10th world.
• Barack Obama is dumb and not at all smart.
• Barack Obama is a stoopid-head.
  

Let's change from a smirker to a shrugger?

Another free ad for the Repubigott Party

Even Republicationists don't like Republicationists

The National Republicators Congressional Campaign Committee is a mere 50% short of meeting its fund-raising goals. Oh, for the days when Tom DeLay and his goons could sit down with their K Street pals and say, "If you want to talk to us about ANYTHING, you better give to Rs and stiff the Ds without fail." Apparently, given the choice, it's harder to bring the money in.

There's legacy and legacy

On or about last January, W's handlers and spokesdopes were making noises about his legacy, as it seems like every president seems to do when the clock is running out. Then someone told him it would be a good idea to bring about peace among Israel and its neighbors, so he ran that up the flagpole and gave it about as much attention and credibility as his pledges to send a manned operation to Mars and develop a hydrogen car.

Meanwhile, he is working on his real legacy -- frantically spurring the minions at the Bureau of Land Management, U.S. Forest Service, and U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to unwrite every environmental protection they can get their hands on. It seems like a good time for a land grab with the price of gasoline hovering around $4 ($4.98) to stamp out the ecology, mercy, mercy, me, and make private what was once public. After all anything that can't be bought and sold is, by Republigooblican definition, ugly and stoopid.

Without question, George W. Bush will be remembered in history as one of America's presidents.

Kultral Notes

To Hon or not to Hon, that is the question.

The Beagle's Hampden correspondents joined in with 50,000 others Saturday to celebrate Bawlmer culture before returning to wash their stoop, have a barbecue in their concrete pad backyard with some friends and a few Natty Bos, and just go back to being Hons.

John Waters has turned against the Hons only after the concept, images, lingo, cuisine, and culture made him millions of dollars. So stay home that day, or go out with your Broadway pals, or spend the afternoon in Bethesda. Now there's some culture.

Republicationists call Guantanamo a luxury hotel with more rights and privileges than any savages who don't play by the rules of war deserve

Akhtiar was beaten in Guantanamo, not by American guards looking for vital information that would save American lives -- just exactly like Jack Bauer -- but by other prisoners who knew he wasn't one of them.

According to McClatchy, "instead of confining terrorists, Guantanamo often produced more of them by rounding up common criminals, conscripts, low-level foot solders and men with no allegiance to radical Islam -- thus inspiring a deep hatred of the United States..."

"As far as intelligence value from those in Gitmo...their material was essentially worthless," a U.S. intelligence officer said.

From all the howling and wailing about the Supreme Court's ruling, one would think that the Court has ordered that henceforth American soldiers must be preventing from shooting anyone, but rather gather up enemies of the United States, bring them in for long, expensive court hearings, and then sentence them all to counseling in country club prisons. Let's get real. The bumper sticker is closer to right:

WE'RE CREATING ENEMIES FASTER THAN WE CAN KILL THEM

Why I am proud to be a Democrat, part 3

We are a young party, and we must have young leadership. -- Eleanor Roosevelt, 1956

What is there to admire most about Eleanor Roosevelt? Her advocacy for civil rights and human dignity? The fact that she was tough enough to stare down the Soviets in shepherding through the U.N.'s Declaration of Human Rights? The fact that she understood the importance of Americans treating its own people fairly if it intended to go around the world lecturing everyone else about what they should do? The fact that she was tough enough to drive from Nashville to rural Tennessee with a KKK threat around every turn of the road with no other muscle than a 74-year-old woman? The fact that she fought for the most unfortunate in our society and did everything to improve their lives through education, job training, nutrition, and health care? OK, maybe it's just the whole package -- open, warm, dedicated, hard-working, resilient, practical, and -- yes -- beautiful.

One day her secretary came into to say that Frank Sinatra was on the phone. "Find out who he is and what he wants," she replied. When she went on television with Frank he said, "If you could say one word to 25 million people, what would it be?" Her answer: Hope.

In its third rebuke of the Bush administration's treatment of prisoners

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the government is violating the rights of prisoners being held indefinitely and without charges at the U.S. naval base in Cuba.

"I strongly agree with those who dissented," Wha? said.

Antonin Scalia, who is always so disapproving of “foreign” precedents, writes “The Habeas Corpus Act…did not run outside the sovereign territory of the Crown. The Court says that the idea that ‘jurisdiction followed the King’s officers’ is an equally credible view.”

The Beagle is clearly reading this dissent at random and out of context, but the Beagle is not accustomed to referring to Wha? as "the Crown" or the marines as "the king's officers."

Common law from "Old Europe" aside, the argument that no laws or procedures should apply because they’re not on U.S. soil is ludicrous on its face. Last time I looked, we considered our rights and privileges to extend throughout United States, its territories and protectorates, the Marianas Islands, and rental properties all over the world, including the prison at Guantanamo.

The argument that “they are enemy combatants” seems specious, at best, because how can we determine that with any certainty if they have no right to bring evidence of who they are? For the time being, they are who some goatherd said they were when they heard there was a price on Ahmed’s head.

Another free ad for the Republeuphemism Party

In memoriam

Tim Russert, 1950-2008

He always did his homework
and made the rest of us look bad

Your Bush

From "Banned from the Beagle," opening soon.

The Beagle has held back until now

Given the tenor of the discussion about the campaign, Hizbollah fist jamming and saying Barak was sworn into the Senate on the Koran, it's time to engage in some other relevant questions:

• Did John McCain engage in cannibalism while a POW in Vietnam, like that episode of Cold Case?
• Is it true that Cindy McCain was a high-priced call girl in Honolulu when she met John McCain and stole him away from his first wife?
• Isn't it true that John McCain has a secret agreement with the Arizona chapter of the Minutemen to give them the contract to patrol the Afghan-Pakistani border for 100 years?
• Is it true that when John McCain travels his advance people have to go into the hotel and replace the Gideon's bible with a copy of Mein Kampf?

The Beagle believes each of these questions deserve a multi-hour, daily airing on all of the public affairs shows for at least one week a piece.

Reader feedbag

A Garden State misreader: By the way, I totally do not understand your blog. It is way up in the hallucinogenic stratosphere...but I see you are an equal opportunity basher.

A dedicated reader who is neither an Alabama attorney nor Nancy Grace: I already read Thursday's posting in the wee hours [and you didn't mention Tim Russert]. I'm anxious to see more news before it happens because honestly when it see it after the fact...it makes me swear and beat on the table.

A wise and uncomplicated reader in Washington, D.C.: This is Great!

Answers: 1) If you think the Beagle is equal opportunity, then you are right, you do not understand, 2) perhaps Dr. Hin has some advice, no, I forgot, he soaks his non-answers in alcohol for purely hygienic reasons, and 3) again, thanks.

A primer in diplomacy

Associated Press reports that the Occupant said:

A diplomatic solution is our first choice = THERE ARE OTHER CHOICES LIKE KICKING YER ASS

We'll give diplomacy a chance to work = IT MIGHT NOT, AND THEN WE'LL HAVE TO KICK YER ASS

All options are on the table = (a longtime standard refrain not heard as much lately that neither confirms or denies an intention) = TO KICK YOUR ASS

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: Can you make this stuff up?

A: The judge in the LA federal obscenity trail had on his public website photos of women on all fours painted as cows and a man with an animal in an excited state, and some people suggested that his inclinations might have a bearing on his ruling.

"I think it's odd and interesting. It's part of life," said 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Alex Kozinsky.

Q: You made that up.

A: YCNMTU.

Funniest thing you've ever said, AC

The man responsible for keeping Americans safe from another terrorist attack on American soil for nearly seven years now will go down in history as one of America's greatest presidents. -- A (Certain)wordlter

It the good old days people shook hands, but nowadays with the spread of disease and the war on Christmas, people have to be more careful so they bump knuckles like, I dunno, every member of the NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL, and every NCAA, high school, middle school, elementary school athlete, Pops Warner shrimp, southern California beach volleyball babes in bikinis, chess club geeks, your grandpa at the golf club, and every other American with a circle of friends should be suspected of exchanging sensitive information through their Hizbollah knuckle jabbing, Fatwa fist-hitting, Jihad knuckle jiggering networks.

Before you get all choked up about his accomplishments, how about the mess he's leaving behind with all the knuckle jabbers, Ann? But otherwise he's doing a heckuva job.

No, it's not a pattern. What are you so upset about?

Michelle Malkin prefers not to be associated
with this presentation, but rather be judged
on her own insensitivities and stoopidities.

Bumped down for a mere slip of the tongue?

I apologize because, unfortunately, some thought I personally had characterized the [hip urban black jive black Chicago casual Negro signal to the terrorist sleeper cells in Detroit and Miami] inappropriately, E.D. Hill said sweetly.

Shouldn't that be enough?

No, not Russian hell

Kultral notes

Los Angeles advertiser and "shock artist," Ira Issacs, is going to trial on federal obscenity charges for videos that feature bestiality and other matters the Beagle editorial panel considers not suitable for a family blog.
It is not only the BlowHardRight that is alarmed. This kind of weird is a clear sign of America in decline, but it ain't the liberals' fault. There is a market for this kind of schtuff. Consumers of these videos, Issacs says, find it therapeutic. It's capitalism pure and simple.
Issacs plans to draw the links between his work and that of James Joyce and D.H. Lawrence, a stretch some Beagletonians consider not bloody likely.
The Beagle stands almost firm on free speech principles when it comes to materials that make it difficult to empanel jurors because they say viewing the material would make them sick to their stomachs.

"It's the most extreme material that's ever been put on trial. I don't know of anything more disgusting," Issac's defense attorney said.

Solid fundamentals

And so the fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place. -- George W. Bush, May 27, 2008 (courtesy of an Alabama attorney who is not Nancy Grace)

Yes, there's a machine-making place...in China, making machine-making machines.

Give me some men who are stout-hearted men and also put the rest on the transports, and don't worry about the equipment either

"In January, the Denver post reported that the surgeon for Fort Carson's 3rd Combat Team acknowledged...that "borderline soldiers" were being sent to war because "we have been having issues reaching deployable strength."
GAO recently reported that among deployed troops out of Fort Benning, Fort Drum and Fort Stewart included soldiers with herniated disks and back pain, chronic knee pain, Type 2 diabetes and asthma.
CBS News reported that approximately 20,000 deployed troops are taking Paxil, Zoloft or Prozac to keep them on the lines.

You cannot make this stuff up

Al Knight of Denver Post suggested this, and the Beagle concurs.

Reader feedbag

From the banks of the Raccoon River, “Appreciate the mention of the Beagle birth in DSM. Proud moment for us all.”

From an southern Attorney (who is not Nancy Grace), “Could you tell me which of your grandmas said, "To err in our favor only requires a kitchen match jammed in the mechanical voting machine, but to really fix an election, it takes a computer."

From a disaffected reader, “How can the Energy Commission or whatever say that gas prices will stay around $4 when today they are showing footage of gas prices from $4.86-$4.98? Is around $4 really around $5? I'd ask Dr. Hin, but he'll give me some booze soaked non-answer.”

Another perspective is offered, without accusations of chemical impairment, “Posts at 1:30 a.m. seem to have a bit more zing than posts at 9:00 a.m.”

Answers: Thanks, all of them, screw you, and again thanks.

Hypocrisy or Marketing?

But this year, when I got the call from Hef, it was almost an epiphany... I feel empowered that I can criticize other people's morals and yet still...bare all for the world. -- Ann C(a certain word)lter.

Can you make this stuff up?

No, you cannot make this up.

The ad season continues

George Worst President Ever Bush

Everything else has gone so lousy in the last eight years. I am perceiving now that things are horrible in ways they shouldn't be horrible. Now, we're not going to impeach the guy. Could we get our money back? Honest to God, I mean just at least something. -- David Letterman

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: I read a little O'Really?, I glanced at some Hannity, Charen, C(a certain word)lter, watched Limbo flopping for a bit, and it just doesn't seem to get me upset? It's stoopid, right? But, so what? right?

A: Basking on the porch on a rare spring evening, not requiring anything but to warm up your dinner, it's hard to understand the consequences of our relentless march to victory and protecting ourselves from the war against Christmas and the need for vigilance and thorough scrutiny through an aggressive and coordinated system of industry and military government.

Q: So they're idiots? They hammer the most useless absurdities? I'm supposed to get tweaked about that? Can't you just shut 'em off?

A: When the shifts and twists turn against you, it'll be too late to complain that Dwight Eisenhower warned you.

Q: That's supposed to make me feel better?

A: It's not my job to tell you things that make you feel better. Anyway, I'm not that kind of doctor.

In the bad, ole days

Back when Socialism prevailed in American (it's ghastly what they don't teach in school these days, but by gum, it's the truth), the actual government used to line kids up and feed them soup. We are not talking about back in the Depression; we're talking about the terrible Clinton years when they tried to raise children in villages.

Today, through the grace of God, it's every man for himself and the devil take the hindquarters as it should be. That's the kind of progress in the Butch administration that's been maliciously overlooked by the mainstream jackals.

How the Republigrabandrun Party plans to save us

Barack Obama called for new investments in health care, education, energy and the infrastructure, but the McCainiac economic team said that would ruin us.

The McCainiacs have read and apparently understood the words of Labor Secy Elaine Chao who says "the fundamentals are good, nothing to worry about," a statement faithfully repeated by Republicandonothings since Herb Hoover's economic team told FDR, "It's your problem now, loser. Knock yerself out."

The Clinton Administration invested in people and jobs, and everybody remembers how bad those days were -- American innovation and enterprise, balanced federal budgets, investments in human development. Those were dark and scary times for the GOSPers, what with the unseemliness and the sullying the dignity and so forth.

Another free ad for the Republogobble Party

The ad season begins

Josef Stalin: "It's not who votes that counts, it's who counts the votes!"

When Wally O'Dell, CEO of Diebold, Inc. voting machines, said he was "committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President" in 2004 it made some alarms go off, and then when Ohio provided the slender margin necessary for the commanding mandate that gave the Temporary Occupant carte blanche (pardon my French) for a host of stoopidities, it looked to some (okay the Beagle editorial staff) that Butch had highjacked the White House twice.
As grandma taught us, "To err in our favor only requires a kitchen match jammed in the mechanical voting machine, but to really fix an election, it takes a computer."
If you go to the Stop 'n Rob or Kum 'n Go and buy a pack of gum, you get a receipt -- proof of presence, purchase and preference, but when you punch in the keys in an electronic voting machine, you can only hope and pray that it registers for your favorite candidate, and if there's a power surge, lightning storm, worm, virus, or built-in system to read "McCain't" for "Obama," there ain't nothing you can do.
So if prayer is all we got, the Beagle advises praying early and often.

Kultral Notes

One upon a time the major dangers of listening to live music were dancing too close and losing your hearing. In the modern era, according to the Rocky Mountain News, there are other things to worry about.

* Nicole LaScalia was knocked to the floor and trampled as Mudvayne took the stage, fracturing her tibia and fibula.
* Valarie Markie suffered a broken neck during a Cradle of Filth concert from a crowd diver.
* Daniel Kroeger was knocked unconscious at Red Rocks and was left with head, face, jaw and neurological injuries.
* Two women sued Lil' Wayne claiming they were hurt when money was thrown from the stage at Morgan State University in Baltimore.
In the immortal words of Sgt. Philip Freemason Esterhaus, "Let's be careful out there."

Can you make this stuff up?

No, you cannot make this stuff up

The Worst President EVer

Editorrible

It has long been the Beagle's ambition to use the expression de trop in a post but until now we have restrained ourselves. The temptation to say, nous sommes arrive is also great, but given our conservative values we have refrained. The nature of the American character and anti-French sentiment has persisted and prevailed.

ON a kinder and gentler note, in response to reader inquiries, there are certain reliable witnesses to the fact that shortly after Al Gore invented the Internet, the Beagle invented the political blog in Des Moines, Iowa, in 1996.

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: Dr. Hin are you alright?
A: Tennessee ditchweed and side trips to Lynchburg.
Q: Come again?
A: Exactly.
Q: You've been so quiet.
A: Aadjusting md-cations and exer-cises in orderly faashion as required has proven therapeutic for most usual discomforts.
Q: I see.

Ahead of the curve once again

The Beagle scooped Dan Balz the other day, and he is supposed to be some kind of political genius with fingers all over the pulses of candidates and trends, but that was only by one day. Ed Rollins quoted the Beagle verbatim on the Anderson Cooper Hour last night from a posting that was almost two weeks old (Place in the Sun-ate).
Also the Beagle Report came to the same conclusions as the Senate Intelligence Committee -- a full week before it issued its report.
So turn off CNN, MSNBC, Faux News, etc. Shut off Hamboneity, Limbo, Blen Geck, SavageMichael. Shred the San Diego Union-Tribune, Miami Herald, Tulsa World, and the rest of those rags and make the Beagletown Bugle your sole content provider, otherwise you are just wasting your time.

Boy, they hate 'em some frogs in Nashville

WSMV-TV announced that it would pre-empt the French Open for the '700 Club.' Setting aside the Beagle's concerns that Pat Robertson has been spending too much time with Al Sharpton, it is clear, that many good Amuricans have not forgiven or forgotten. After all, as the Short-timer has explained, the French have no word for entrepreneur they hate capitalism so much, they consistently misspell liberty with all their stray circumflexes and accents a-goo, they always get apoplexy when you call pommes frites 'french fries' and try to convince people it's a Belgian recipe, and -- really, now -- they play on clay courts instead of good ol' Amurican concrete.

Dangers of cosmetic surgery (part 2)

They said the post-9/11 world meant the end of irony, but it has not meant the end of stoopidity and condescension. Cal Thomas opines that the conservative world has a dearth of women candidates comparable to Hillary because they are too busy at home baking cookies for the kids. What's more, a self-respecting conservative woman running for president "wouldn't wear pantsuits -- except when climbing into helicopters."
We don't know if Jeanne Kilpatrick, Phyllis Schlafly, Kay Bailey Hutchinson and others find this offensive as the Beagle does, and we cannot ascertain with any certainty whether Sandra Day O'Connor is spinning in her grave, but c'mon. Did Sandra wear pants went she broke horses in Arizona, or did she modestly ride around in a jeep in her fringe skirt like Dale Evans? And what's with that whole keeping her name thing? If Dale was as conservative and family values as Cal Thomas would want her to be, shouldn't it be Roy Rogers and Mrs. Roy Rogers singing "Happy Trails"?

Dept. of He Said What????

If Hillary had won the Democratic nomination, these latent backers of Hillary...might still have voted for McCain in the general. Their support of Hillary is purely linked to her opposition to Obama. Were she to join the ticket, they would vote for McCain anyway. After all, Obama will still be black and the Rev. Wright will still be nuts. -- Dick (the hoor) Morris

How the media would cover the decline in American casualties if they didn't hate America

Bull O'Really? (caution: bad word alert) and others are in a dither at the MSM coverage of the fact that the number of American lives lost in Iraq last month was at its lowest level since the war began. But it's not like it wasn't covered. It just wasn't fair and balanced, like it should have been, thusly:

AMERICAN LIBERATED BAGHDAD -- Americans suffered their fewest casualities since the liberation of Iraq from the tyranical rule of Saddam Hussein who was 100 percent exactly like Hitler and gassed his own people before the far-sighted George W. Bush launched his noble but fully justified and will be vidicated by history heroic mission to create a stable, democratic government in the Middle East that will be a model to other nations in the area to follow suit.
This statistic shows that the surge, which was the brainchild of the man soon to be the next president of the United States John McCain who has the experience and the intelligence to lead America unlike some elitist Harvard-educated guy whose bigoted pastor hates America for a living, is working and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are winning against the Islamo-fascists and should continue our mission, which should in no way be confused with nation-building which is something only Democrats would do.

History Corner

"A strong wave of euphoria took hold. National pride showed its potential as a force of unity. Many considered [it] to be the start of a new age, based on faith in a quick and relatively bloodless victory.
"Conservatives, nationalists and ex-military leaders began to speak critically about peace.
"[They] attributed [the nation's] defeat to a number of domestic factors. Most notably... that the public had failed to respond to its patriotic calling at the most crucial of times and some had even intentionally sabotaged the war effort."
see Dolchstosslegende for more information...

Is Cindy McCain fit to run the country?

It's not just the drugs or the questionable investments or the silver spoon upbringing or the practiced candidate's wife thing of staring admiringly at her husband whenever he speaks or...Well, it is some of those things that make the Beagle wonder. As profiled in the Beagle's sister publication, "Her closest thing to a political contribution is a recipe for guacamole."

Actually, her mother-in-law sings her praises, saying “You know how when people talk about their children, and say, ‘I have never seen anything wrong about them.’ That is how I feel about Cindy.” When asked if that is how she feels about her son, the senator’s mother changed the subject.

The Beagle's choice for First Lady is Michelle Obama, without question or reservation.

In a stunning turn of events...

John McCain't endorsed Barack Obama, saying "Of course this is election about change, but it's a choice between going forward and going backward."

McCain't and handlers want to make the election about experience, and the codger raises some challenging questions:
* Who has the most experience as one of the Keating Five or Six responsible, in part, for the Savings and Loans debacle?
* Who has the most experience flip flopping wildly, voting against the Butch tax cuts for the rich calling them irresponsible and then saying they are the salvation of the country once he gets out on the campaign trail?
* Who has the most right to talk about family values, the guy who has only been married once or the one with multiple experiences?
* Who has the most experience living in the cocoon of the Senate surrounded by the perks and privileges only the most elite in this country enjoy?
* Who has the most experience stomping around the Green Zone coddled in the warm embrace of Blackwater mercenaries and hearing the upbeat accounts of military and civilian contractors with a stake in a prolonged occupation?

Mit Verlaub, Herr Präsident, Sie sind ein Arschloch

kultral notes and also reader feedback

A Bay area organizer writes,

"Hey, Beagle, keep diggin' the dirt" playing off a pun that hadn't actually occurred to us til just now.

At the same time, a reader pictured above takes issue with a number of points -- showing how difficult unity is really going to be (just within the city of Baltimore, nevermind nationwide), saying "We don't say Boh-lieve. We say B'lieve, Hon." Also "Instead of reopening American Brewery, former home of both Natty Boh and American beer, they moved the operation to Pennsylvania. Penna bastards."

At last, our long national anxiety dream is over (almost)

The Beagle is somewhat relieved that the longest primary season in the history of ever is coming to a close, but irritated that it ain't over until...well...um...we're not going to say it. Over til it's over.

It is the Beagle's firm editorial stance that we believe, although some of our readership in Baltimore and environs would prefer to Boh-lieve.

Now let's get about the business of roughing up the conserva-saurs and their use-religion-as-a-wedgie and patriotism-as-a-club with intelligence and dignity.

Kultral notes

It is not the Beagle's policy to comment on every dead and dying rock n roll icon, but we will say that Bo Diddley was a great American. He was banned from the Ed Sullivan show long before the Doors, he wrote some of the great romantic ballads of all time, including "Who do you love?," and he was the populizer of hambone or juba music. Some tributes consider "Say, man" to be precursor to rap, but we all know when the first real rap record was recorded.

Beagle dodges a poulet

John Mac Daddy Yes We Cain performed at the Ryman Auditorium yesterday in the grand tradition of other political thinkers of the past in an effort to answer the musical question Who Would Jesus Endorse? (WWJE). Everyone knows the boy was spanked badly by a Baptist preacher here in February, and while the coverage by the Beagle's sister publication, the Nashville Tennesseean had a big headline about faith and values, it did not quote Mac Daddy Cain as actually saying that he was a good Christian. It just said he was impressed when a fellow prisoner drew a cross on the ground on Christmas.
In that Mac Daddy says he will never never never pull troops out of Iraq, it may have been a directional sign to nuke Hanoi, rather than a private expression of faith in the public square.
The city desk at the Beagle thought about sending someone over to the Ryman to cover this important news story, but went over to the Kurdish gyro place instead.

An Austin city representative of the AKA writes...

"good blog but I think that’s a basset hound."

The Beagletown Bugle is not an expert on dogs, so we will have to take your word for it. However, the Beagletown Bugle is an expert on editorrible policy, standards, and practices, and we therefore publish this item in the interest of our policy on allowing an open forum for readers, and decidedly not as a retraction or correction.

Rules committee compromise

It's all settled now in the grand compromise as to the seating of the Michiganders and Floridators at the DemNatCon this summer in the Mild High City, but some may still be wondering what a half a delegate can do. Some of the details are yet to be worked out, but it is certain:

* They will have to share chairs to be seated.
* Tin snips will be available at the door for them to cut their buttons in half.
* They can only hold up one half of a sign.
* Just like in Utah, they can only drink one-half of a martini at a time.
* In negotiations with strollers on Colfax, they should not ask for "half and half." Just half.

MeBeagle thinks they doth protest too much

The Republicababble media machine -- across the spectrum from Ari Fleischer to Dana Perino -- have attacked the non-issue that McClllelllann supposedly said the Butch Administration lied. Fleischer baloneyizes, "He uses the word propaganda, and that implies we were saying things that weren't true." And Perino lies about lying right from the font of all Truth, the WH Media briefing podium.
But propaganda is propaganda and it ain't lying, at least according to Garth S. Jowett and Victoria O'Donnell, "Propaganda and Persuasion," who write, "Propaganda is the deliberate, systematic attempt to shape perceptions, manipulate cognitions, and direct behavior to achieve a response that furthers the desired intent of the propagandist." So McClleelllaaan could not have been more acurate in his use of the word.
Now let's talk about deceptions, because the Whine House is fierce about saying how Butch is more honest than George W. Washington....
* Saddam Hussein funded Al Quaeda. They say they didn't say it but they did.
* Oil prices will go up if he remains in power because Iraq controls 19 percent of the world's oil reserves. Hmmm. Maybe there are other factors in the current price of oil, but production has dropped off like a stone since the "liberation."
* The Iraqis will throw long-stemmed roses at U.S. troops and tanks just like in Paris in 1945. Yes, the Iraqis threw things, but not roses.
* This war will pay for itself because the grateful liberated Iraqis will give us their oil money just out of gratitude. Everyone knew or should have known this was weapons-grade BS at the time.
Some Republical friends have yapped at close range that these weren't lies, but in the words of FauxNews, you decide.

Heroic blogger saves southern democrats

While doing field work, or what the great Canadian communications theorist Harold Innis called 'dirt work,' in a major southern city that begins with an M and sounds like "untgumry," the Beagle editorial staff became part of the story in violation of its standards and practices by rescuing two known Democrats who were criticizing the Temporary Occupant without drawing the shades.
Republichaotic-controlled squirrels had gnawed through the electrical wires in an effort to prevent them from actually reading the Beagletown Bugle causing a pine needle fire on the side of the house. A quick thinking, let's-take-care-of-the-problem-and-not-appoint-a-freaking- commission-to-study-the-damn-thing-to-death-
or-leave-it-to-the-next-generation-to-fix-style Dem hopped up and extinguished the brushfire just before the fire department arrived.