Show me your papers, please

The time has come, the Beagle said, to talk of many things,
like how come Rush and Glenn and Lou think they should be the Kings?
or was it doomed to never fly with only two right wings?
or is this the nativist's last gasp beyond John Birch's worst dreams?
or is there only this dead horse to flog until it sings?

Diversity notes

It was brought to our attention that some New Jersey readers do not like to be called "goon." Many in the field have been called "goon" so long, we call it macaroni. Pardon our cultural iggnernce.

Goons have their good side. In the immortal words of Montgomery Burns, "The telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons."

Apparently, some prefer the terms, "certified union goddess," "certified union truthsayer," "certified union genius," "certified union research queen," or "union editor extraordinaire."

We have not reviewed the certification requirements for those positions recently, as we have lapsed in our classification knowledge and theory.

Brace the Nation

Warning: Garage band soundtrack

Breaking cat news

A surviving major American newspaper turns its attention away from job losses, loan defaults, declining home values, pension interruptions, and sliding quality of Detroit-area life to note the problems faced by feral cats at a discontinuing manufacturing plant.

The Beagletown Bugel do not have budgets to imploye "fact chekkers," so we will simply pass these facts on unchekked:

* Feral cats prefer not to interact with humans.
* In seven years, one female cat and her offspring can yield 420,000 cats.
* Activists don't recommend taking 420,000 adult feral cats home as pets (all at once).

Forwarded by the keeper of an authentic bi-coastal, feral cat.

Let's get the Southerners outta the party

Ohio (barely a state since 1953) Sen. George Vichyssoise recently learned that Southerners have been infiltrating the GOSPer party and giving it an ugly name. Senahtahs from South Carolina and Oklahoma (technically not part of the Confederacy until 1867) get on t.v. and say errrr...errrr. Perhaps Vicyssoise is thinking back to a better time when the party was represented by statesmen like New Gingrich (re-reformed since 2007), Tom DeLay (pending), Trent Lott, Jesse Helms, and Strom Thurmond. Men of peerless stature who never said "errr..errr."

By contrast, the Democratic Party has done well with prominent southern leaders, Bill Clinton from Arkansas, Al Gore from Tennessee, and Barack Obama from southern Indonesia.

(noted by a Capitol Hill policy manufacturer)

Purge trial

Generalissimo Jorge Vichyssoise announced the convening of a National Unity Trail to purge the GOSPer party of destructive elements.

"If we are to survive into the next decade, we must banish these mush mouth monkey humpers with their incoherent 'errr...errr..." and incomprehensible similies," Vichyssoise said. "The GOSPer party has to speak to the former Dayton tyre manufacturers working at Dairy Queen and the retired Youngstown steel employees living on reduced pensions about the issues they really care about -- intragender civil unions," Vichyssoise burbled without once saying "errrr...errrr...."

Reader feedbag

A Prince George's teacher reports, "Your monthly Beagle cracks me up," suggesting perhaps that a weekly Beagle is too much in this media-drenched environment.

A Rocky Mountain legal advocate writes, "I heard a rumor [the Beagletown Bugle] was alive, but I didn't believe it."

An Alabama attorney of note explains that many remarkable events in the political/media world have gone unremarked of late by the Beagle. We noticed that too.

A certified union goon from New Jersey recommends the Beagle employ a proffredder to reduce er elemenate typogrofficable errs.

A former media savvy Florida boat manufacturer notes, "It's like a cross between the Onion and Mother Jones," but some readers will have to take his word for it.

Warning: Adult content and funky bass line

Advert properly Screened and Approved by the Beagletolerable board.

DeMint v. Human Decency

Codger Corner

Did the reading public realize you can pay as much as $115 for flip flops? Maybe somewhere you can pay more than what they're charging at a high-end outdoor sporting complex...in Dubai!?!

As we bask in the glow of the old days, we remember when your mom picked you up and you were going somewhere where you had to wear shoes, you stop off at the 5 and 10 and boof! 29 cents later you got styling footwear, and should it pop? boof! that's why duct tape was invented.

See the world without leaving your chair

A graphic designer from the greater NYC area sends this highly entertaining illustration of the reach of American culture worldwide.

In 1958, the Drifters' manager canned the whole group and just renamed another bunch in his stable, The Five Crowns, that included Ben King in the package. Over the decades Drifters have come and gone (intrepid Beagletorials noted recently some configuration of Drifters was playing at Livingston, Montana) but no one has had the impact and reach of ex-Drifter Ben E. King who had a hit with Stand By Me (inked by King, with an assist by Lieber and Stoller) in both 1961 and 1987.

You know who will carry reform alone

while elephants stand around leaning on their shovels again.

Truth in advertising

The heck with human musicians

They're always making mistakes. Get a Toyota violin robot, and you'll never hear an off note again.

Breaking dog news

So much for inner beauty. Pabst was recently crowned ugliest dog at the Sonoma-Marin Fair.

Get the latest

Some have suggested that we discontinue this space and redirect to Monkeys in the News. If you have some monkey news, please pass it on.

2009 Re-Branding Project

Will we remember 2009 as a time when people famously went through uncomfortable public transitions? Say that you were gonna melt down at your job and go home crying like a little girl because somebody said something ugly, think how you could also reposition that as good for the state and also the nation in the long run. If you've been fooling around, or even dead serious, with someone(s) other than your public spouse, don't just defer or deflect ugly speculations that are prurient in nature and add nothing to essential debates about important issues of state and national policy. Or if you're just sitting around the ranch getting on Laura's nerves, and Lynne says, no, they have plans that night indefinitely, no, really, Dick doesn't want to come over and chew the old rag. Get out! Get a job! Sell something! That's the American way.

Preparations for the next phase

Recently, intrepid Beagle-torials were rolling across a sparsely populated state, and when one looks at the outstanding beauty of the Rockies and the Tetons, the wide open stretches of nothing but bison, cattle, and antelope, it is easy to imagine that just off the road a few miles are Glenn Bleech's FEMA camps ready to house those who dare to speak the truth amid the current crises. Just up over that rise could be the re-education camps where George Will will be forced to wear bluejeans. There over yonder where you can't see are the converted underground "Peace Silos" where gummit byoorokrats will be centrally planning the economy and every other aspect of your life after they've taken away your guns and computers. It's all out there, clearly, and the reason you can't see it is because the gummit does such a good job of secretly planning everything centrally and byoorokratically and nannystatishly without regard to the liberties that have made America great for real Americans. One outward and visible sign of the Novus ordo seclorum are flagrant windfarms, designed to undermine the "Drill, baby, drill" agenda ordained by God.

Under Obamacare

If you do not use inferior government mandated providers, jackbooted federal agents will come to your house and cut off your thumbs.

Fer interlecturals only

Some of the Beaglarity seems to have gone out of Beagletown, since many of us cannot bear to watch the rightwingos whining constantly about how the only reason McCain't lost was because the media gave such a smooch job to the O.

But recently, the words of St. Bernard of Clairvauw came to mind as it relates to the ecstatic fervor many on the Right have for their so-called principles, which turn on a dime depending on whose oxen are being gored. Take name-calling, e.g. where many of us remember a lot of tut tutting about how referring to the president of the united states as "adoph hitler" was supposed to "cross a line" or how "deficits" emphatically "didn't matter."

But as Bernard explains when it comes to true, passionate love of an individual for an institution (such as Capital Gains Tax Cuts or Roland Reagan), everything else gets defenestrated in a hurry:

"You throw order into confusion, you disregard custom, you know no restraint. Everything that seems a matter of propriety, a matter of prudence or judgment, you triumph over in your own name and bring into subjection" because we're looking out for you!

Debate points

St Bernard of Clairvaux's defense of the traditional Roman Catholic position against human reason and rationalism advocated by Abelard at Sens in 1141 was so convincing, Abelard didn't say a word in rebuttal, and later went home and died.

Those who forget history...

Faux News and its fellow travelers are working overtime to foment a revolution, but it has very little to do with the motives of teabaggers of America's own colonial period. They seek a restoration of the Reagan monarchy (with Michael, Ron, or Maureen, but not Patty)...

And while they are hating Hugo Chavez and Rafael Correa Delgado, they should probably prepare a dartboard for Benito Pablo Juarez Garcia (famously depicted by Paul Muni). Juarez' terms in office (helped in part by Abraham Lincoln and Andrew Johnson) is known as La Reforma. Replace Wikipedia's slopping editing with your own and insert "the United States'" and you can see where we are right now.

La Reforma represented the triumph of Mexico's liberal, federalist, anti-clerical, and pro-capitalist forces over the conservative, centralist, corporatist, and theocratic elements that sought to reconstitute a colonial system.

Justice Clarence Thomas would have had to retreat to the basement and watch Saving Private Ryan seven or eight times if he ever heard Benito say, Entre los individuos, como entre las naciones, el respeto al derecho ajeno es la paz, meaning "Among individuals, as among nations, respect for the rights of others is peace."

If you can't afford a sodapopbot...

The right tool for the job

When you go camping in the woods, be sure you're prepared. Our intrepid reporters were near here recently, and next time, it was agreed by all, we'd pack the chainsaw just in case.