Deep in the heart of Texas

This is a gentle reminder that in W's new home Texas, people think that GOSPers are behind on common sense (-11%), trustworthy, honest, and ethical (-12%), fair and impartial (-20%), care about people like me (-31%), and championing children, the poor, and the elderly (-41%). They did better in Getting worked up over nothing (+57%), pissing and moaning (+64%), and talking out of both sides of their mouths (+88%).

You liked the safe landing in the Hudson, n'est-ce pas?

The godfather of the modern GOSPer insurgency

They whine about discrimination. Do you know who is being discriminated against? The white Christian people of America, the ones who created this nation.

Communism is racial. A racial minority seized control in Russia and in all her satellite countries, such as Poland, Czechoslovakia, and many other countries I could name.

If they keep stirring race trouble in this country and trying to force their communistic program on the Christian people of America, there is no telling what will happen to them here.

-- John Rankin

RIP RMN

We hate to see a newspaper go down, and many here in Beagletown had come to hate the Rocky less than the Post. As infrequently as we agree with John Temple, it is a shame there will be fewer feet on the street to see what's going on. Once upon a time you could know everything for a penny a day, and now the peeps get it free off your internets.

The Beagletorials and Beagleterribles among us have seen such dank and dreary days. Some of us used to throw papers for and then later wrote for the Oklahoma Journal, and it is a distant memory, but the ones I know about who saw that Black Friday landed on both feet better than before.

Coyote stores are the new dog stories

Helpful tips from our local news:

Don't leave ten cans of open cat food out in a city park.

Don't throw frozen turkeys out in the middle of softball fields and such.

It only attracts coyotes, who can be easily dissuaded by shaking a trademark soda can filled with pennies (Lincolns, preferably), and so don't worry. About the coyotes. In the parking lot. Waiting for you. In the dark.

Science haters shoot down satellite

George Will is believed to have headed up an effort to shoot down the Orbiting Carbon Observatory (OCO) using discarded Star Wars missile defense technology left stored in his garage when Reagan moved back to California and promised to pick up but never did. The motive for this is clear -- what we don't know can't hurt us.

Phyllis Schlafly on women in poverty...

It wasn't poverty that destroyed marriage in the lower-income classes - it was the liberal policy of giving taxpayers' money to women, thereby making the husband and father irrelevant and even an impediment to the flow of easy money.

Wash Times has another irrational hissy...

"This is the new reality in America, that those with political pull will benefit, those without will not... Connections are replacing competence as a measure of a person's worth."

This is clearly the work of someone who believes that W. pulled himself up by his own bootstraps and also one who never heard of Tom the Hammer DeLay and the K Street project.

Write Senator Doctor Coburn and tell him...

Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal (left) supports new state monkey restrictions in the wake of Travis the Chimp's rampage.

Humane Society President Wayne Pacelle accused Sen. Tom Coburn (extreme right) of holding up federal legislation to address the problem, including start-up funds for Trank My Monkey dot Conn.

Steele's latest press conference

Someday we'll be your bank

Hip Hop Makeovers

Before and after pictures of GOSPer chair Michael Steele's initiative for the party faithful to git jiggy wid it.

Be on the look out

You may prefer to say "not chosen"

Here and on ebay

Slightly used economic and military powerhouse recently fallen on hard times. Available at a discount to qualified Saudi-Chinese-Dutch consortia. No reasonable offer refused. Do not contact the seller about any other product or service unless you have a Swarovski crystal sink, then we might work out a trade.

Wretched of this earth excess

Reckoning the Kodak Theater seats 3,401 people, and everyone at the Oscars paid on average $350 for shoes not returned for credit or other consideration, rounds up to $1.2 million. Just imagine what that money could do to benefit three-legged Ethiopian dogs or the displaced pups of Darfur. Presumably later this week they will donate the shoes to charity as Sarah Palin is alleged to have considered doing with her RNC clothes line.

Whistling dixie

Lest readers think this is too cute, remember, it was Peter Lorre's whistling that got him nabbed in Fritz Lang's M.

Watching the river flow

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: What is happening in this country today?

A: En Francais, s'il vous plait.

Q: Qu'est-que est le deal, mon ami, avec le comme ci versus comme ca?

A: Nous sommes toute de vieux Europe maintenant.

Q: Ma francais est rouilee.

A: That's hardly idiomatic. And where are your accent marks?

Q: Pardonnez-moi l'expression!

Trank my monkey dot com

An alert reader from very high up has noted the rise in drug-crazed primates attacking people for no reason. No, not Sham Hamity and Bill Oreally?. We're talking about chimpanzees pumped up on Xanax and turning on their human "friends."

Coming close on the heels of the guy who took his pet chimpanzee a birthday cake at the wildlife center and got his balls chewed off in the process, this is truly a cause for national alarm.

We advocate an amendment to the stimulus bill to support "Trank My Monkey Dot Com," a vital effort to run around town in a van with tranquillizer darts and put all those screaming primates down. And if Hamity, Oreally?, C*lter, Limbo, Glen Bleech, etc., absorb a little friendly fire, well, that's just acceptable collateral damages, ne c'est pas?

Moe on chimps

Further research (from a great height) reveals the psychopathic chimp is named Moe, and he got loose from Devore, Calif., last June and ran or is running amok in San Bernadino County near Big Bear Lake.

"We could find him in a heartbeat if we could just get a break," Michael McCasland told the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin. "He's somewhere out there."

In July, McCasland said he might be down at the nudist colony. But Deer Park Nudist Resort Office Manager Lea Bush hadn't heard about any Moe sightings on the ground. Joe Camp, owner of Animal Exotics, organized rescue efforts, but the volunteer went out of the searchers, and Joe said they are now waiting for Moe to make an appearance.

So the questions remain, Where is Moe? and How long before the government will provide the needed incentives to get Trank My Monkey Dot Com off dead center and moving again?

Modern Moseses

What's in the stimulus package?

A policy manufacturer from Dupont Circle reports:

"If the members had merely opened their copies of the stimulus bill, they would've found a surprise: 4 kilos of cocaine."

Happy valentines day

Hate speech

As a service to the readership, Beagletown interns monitor FAUX News' 24 hour "if regular folks like you and me ran the country..." jawbonathon, and a lot of it is hard to swallow.

They say, "When government gives anything to people, it's socialism pure and simple, and pretty soon every man, woman, and child will be sitting around waiting for the dole. Mark my words. Obama has manufactured this crisis so he can be the savior and slip all his sneaky socialistic ideas there in the fine print. "

It was your Milton Freidman conservative Geo Butch who concocted the $700 billion TARP plan. The First Salesman said he'd give the taxpayers a little taste when the market turns around. We wouldn't let Butch invest our Social Security money, so he took what he could anyway at the last minute. It's like mandatory Savings Bonds in reverse.

News flash! Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, etc. have been in place for years without anyone having to learn Russian. But replacing some WPA school buildings, that's going too far. Socialism. Harrumph.

B'more water cooler

-- Phelps so fast he can take a bong hit at 50 meters and still win the hundred.

-- Now Kellogg's knocked him off the Wheaties box, he's trying to wrangle a deal to update the Zig Zag man.

-- You heard those guys in South Carolina got busted for possession and distribution, hardy har, partying with Phelps one night and next night cozying up to yer pardner at the Columbia, South Carolina House of Detention with Ned Beatty and Slingblade, har har, and Rainmain, right, and those Huns from the Capital One commercial, hardy har har. Whut we gots heah is a failya ta communicate. Right? ha ha ha ha.

-- Djew hear bout the meth head and the stoner were going out for the Olympics?
-- Don' even start.

It was okay when Chuck Taylor was making things bad there

but now that things have settled down, the U.S. government has given notice to deport about 14,000 Liberians. Dan Stein, president of the Federation for American Immigration Reform, says it would be an abuse of U.S. hospitality for them to stay. "It makes a mockery of the concept of short-term temporary humanitarian protection," Stein says.

Some families have been here 17 years or more, but FAIR knows best where their homes are.

"We sent them off once in 1822. It's not our fault if they wanted to come back," Stein wanted to say.

Doings in Malagasy

Government critic Andry Rajoelina was elected mayor of Antananarivo in December 2007. A year later Malagasy President Marc Ravalomanana shut down Rajoelina's television station because it aired an interview with exiled former president Didier Ratsiraka. It has been contentious ever since. Ravalomanana pledged to keep order despite rolling protests in the streets of Antananarivo. Saturday, 50 protesters were killed by police. Today, Ravalomanana stepped down. Watch this space.

Why you want to be robbed by a speed freak and not a pothead

...as the Kitsap County Sheriff's detectives drove Chad Cash around to review the locations of some of the 80 places he burgled over the past year, they said he was "very apologetic" to burglary victims.

Most of the property he allegedly took — jewelry, computers, and flat screen TVs — was pawned or traded for drugs, detectives said. They believe Cash was high on methamphetamine during the burglaries.

His lucid memory impressed the detectives. He was able to accurately recall what he took from each home and even the dates and times he did it.

Border fence going up

Big impressive walls have a storied history. The Great Wall of China was notably effective in preventing attacks from Mongol hordes who didn't have baksheesh to stroll right through the gates. Hadrian's Wall kept the savage Scots out of England until Sean Connery was able to scramble over it and enter the Mr. Universe contest. The Berlin Wall kept communism safe from capitalist oppression for every citizen unable to dig a hole in his kitchen with a gardening trowel.

The Wall that you are buying will work much better. And, like the Pyramid of Cheops and Machu Piccu, the Wall will stimulate the economy and give future generations a remarkable technological marvel. It will not only keeps us safe from immigrants, but also from Endangered Species, Migratory Birds, Environmental Policy, Coastal Zone Management, Clean Water, Clean Air, and Historic Preservation.

For more about walls, go here.

GOPAC Shakur

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: What is the deal with the Large Hadron Collider? And is there still a place for a small Hadron Collider? And what if the Large Hadron Collider did alter the universe in profound and unimaginable ways, but we just don't imagine them yet? Hunh?

A: On September 10, 2008 it went on line without a hitch, and on September 19, 2008 it was shut down according to well-ordered Swiss procedures for complicated scientific reasons you wouldn't understand, and it is scheduled for more ATLAS and ALICE action in July 2009.

Q: How's that?

A: A Toroidal LHC Apparatus (ATLAS) and A Large Ion Collider Experiment (ALICE). Also, expect progress on the Total Cross Section, Elastic Scattering and Diffraction Dissociation (TOTEM), but, again, not until July. Watch this space.

Q: Am I sorry I asked?

On the Sham side

Sham Hamity asks the musical question, "Will people be more upset when Obama comes to take their guns or their computers?" At last look computers was winning two to one.

But wait a minute, that's a lot of guns and computers. Does that mean that over the course of some number of nights he's gonna sneak in our house and take all the guns and computers personally?

That's 60 million people's houses to get the 200 million guns and 186 million people with 250 million computers, taking into account a Venn diagram overlapping those with guns and computers, that's a lot of paranoia. With a forty hour week running the country and some weekends for international travel, he'd have to have years of Saturday nights and Sunday mornings stretched out to get it done. It would take a while. It might not get done in the first year or in four years, but it'll get done. Shamity says.

Ann C*lter on victimhoom

The liberals always get so weepy and cry victim. The g.d. minorities and poor people are always complaining that life ain't fair. Get used to it. Like not every girl can get on the Bridgeport pep squad all four years and get a letter and win statewide competition three of the four years even having the hardest jump and nail it every time. That's just tough for you, sistah, if you can't cut it. Take your participataion ribbon and go home.

True conservatives like Sarah Palin, Billy O'really? and Sham Hamity never complain about their condition and the state of the world. They just plow ahead amid the jackboot liberals kicking down their doors and forcing them to eat healthy and organic when they would be stimulating the economy if it wasn't for the confiscatory designs of the Democrats in Congress. No, Sarah, Billy, and Sham get up in the morning and comb their hair for two hours and then bravely go forward in a hostile media environment and live their lives with the modicum of freedoms still permitted to rich, white, Christian Americans who are openly patriotic and have a passion for the way we were when Raygun was president.

(loosely translated from the English to Lithuanian and then to Afrikaans and back to English)

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