Reader Feedbag

A bonafide reader recently dropped down like Bourne in a mysterious city with no connections or marching orders urges, "Go, Beagle, go."

A number of readers continue to complain that they don't get it or that the link is wrong or worse sometimes the link is right and they do get it but have much better things to do.

Some submissions and suggestions are still gestating, such as Gore's electric bill, Washington's Farewell Address, and Gotham-based competitions, but all material is processed vigorously and beagletorially.

An intermittent Brooklyn paranoid warns, "Watch out. Someone might be reading it," without specifically mentioning unindicted Iran-contra conspirator Admiral John Poindexter.

Pick up the zeros and we could be in business

Zimbabwe dropped the value of its currency so the exchange is $10 billion to $1. The U.S. could pick up those zeros, and then we'd all be billionaires, and what would that do for keeping up with the Jones?

Be on the lookout

Could be hiding out with his aroma therapist girlfriend in Thailand or disgused as a human being.

Chopped liver I am?

More police, fewer armies? Worth a shot?

What kind of anti-American claptrap is the RAND Corporation trying to push off on everyone with their defeatism, elitism, and leave on your own two feet-ism that is undermining the security of our homeland and leading to more moddleycoddling and pussyfooting when the answer is to stand up down there until the victory is won.

But you know what it is

The Beagletorial policy does not permit us to report the unanimous response to the House of Representatives' formal apology for slavery.

If Nast were still at it...

Do Ted Stephens and his friends have to be held to account for the trillions of dollars he spent and overspent and deliberately misspent in his career as supreme czar of Appropriations? And supposedly all he got was $250,000 worth of repair on his chalet? Mebeaglethinkth the Corrupt Bastards Club doth protest too much. Coulda been more to it than that.

Puzzle Page

Correctly identify the seven individuals pictured above and choose the which you'd like to be the 44th President of the United States, because this is not about who is more popular or gets the most attention; it's whether or not you were tortured by the Viet Cong and are sour enough to understand what's important.

Family and friends of the Beagletown Bugle are not eligible to win any prizes for correct entries. Void where prohibited.

More outrages

Jena McCain't isn't getting as much adoration from the public as he deserves and that's why he is making fun of Barack Obama instead of proposing solutions to, er...anything. Drill more, complain more, cut the taxes I said were stoopid to cut, did I say drill more?, stay in Iraq for a thousand years, cut some more taxes, drill, drill, and kill. Arrgghh.

We don't wanna know

Which is easier, treating traumatic brain injury -- which is not all that well understood and can be very expensive and prevents soldiers who can stand upright with no visible wounds from going back downrange -- or not testing for it at all? Only a handful of the 320,000 Iraq and Afghan war veterans have been tested and/or treated.

Meanwhile FEMA is asking for a pass on any lawsuits related to formaldehyde soaked trailers provided to Katrina survivors. The official position of the Butch Adminstration is that the gummint should be protected from "judicial second-guessing."

Courts should be only used for their intended purposes of protecting the rights of owners and bosses.

Dear Diary

This morning I arose, rested and refreshed, secure in the knowledge that some Americans -- either pulled from the National Guard where they had expected to serve a weekend a month and a month a year, joined in close league with overpaid Blackwater mercenaries who might be looking to diversify their operations into more lucrative activities before too long -- made it possible for me to gather up my little band of opportunists to go off shooting and looting enemy tribes. It was, if you will, an awakening...the Anbar Awakening. Thank Allah for the U.S. military-industrial complex, and Allah bless Jean McCain't twice.

Another caution from another century

Oh, my dear, let us hope that what Mr. Darwin says is not true. But, if it is true, let us hope that it will not become generally known. -- Bishop Samuel Wilberforce's wife, 1860

A caution (perhaps too late) for the Butch-Chainey gang

If you want to steal, steal a little cleverly, in a nice way. Only if you steal so much as to become rich overnight, you will be caught.
-- Mobutu Sese Seko

Various outrages

Did McCain't encourage Obama to go to Iraq and see what's on the ground for the express purpose of criticizing him every moment he was out there? Will he fault him later for listening to people on the ground, e.g. Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki when he says, "Yanki Go Home!" How can Jean McC complain so long and loudly when Cindy's lips aren't even moving? Tune in tomorrow for another episode of "What's my beef?"

Further research finds

The Beagle reportorial staff notes that some bloggers get out of their chairs and investigate things in the world, sharing photos, facts, and information. The Beagle salutes their intrepid nature and initiative.

Vote

Vote.................................................Vote

An authentic postcard

Is this a question?

There are softballs and softballs, now this one from D.Post's Harsayni slobbering over the Undersecretary for War Policy:

Was the quick erosion of the public's confidence in the Iraq War effected by a lack of articulation and communication from the administration about what to expect and what the goals were?

Two stoopid things in a row:

• Conservatives who think the only problem with Iraq is that the Administration didn't do a good enough job articulating its goals.
• The idea that there are only two alternatives, "winning" in Iraq or setting an artificial timetable to leave.

Never say never again

Sean Connery said he would never make another James Bond movie and then when he did, he made a movie he had already made once before, Thunderball, and they just updated the gadgets and changed the name.

Another guy named James, James Dogson, said he would never in a million years endorse Jean McCain't, and now, apparently the Lord has spoken to him and suggested that He might possibly change his mind, and watch this space for a future announcement.

News roundup

Some suggest the Beagle has been light on actual news and information lately.

Item: A Thirsk, North Yorkshire family got wee Wellington boots to put on its little pig because the poor dear had an aversion to muck and mire and now he is more of a pet (for the time being) than proto-sausage. But should the media lose interest, watch your local links for "Cinders."

Item: A border dispute has more than a thousand Cambodian and Thai soldiers standing off near Preah Vihear Temple.

Item: Al Sharpton and Newt Gingrich have joined forces to scapegoat the teachers unions for the quality of education instead of addressing family involvement, small classes, competitive salaries for teachers, and the kind of child development programs that have made America strong for the past century. They're for merit pay and vouchers and other stupid things that don't work. Couldn't they both go away? Far, far away?

Whether you know or care

Jay Chou is an enormous superstar who has put out a multi-million-seller album every year for the past eight years especially in Taiwan, China, Japan, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Indonesia, Singpore, and Vietnam. One of the 50 most influential people in China and won every award imaginable.

And you never heard of him?

Here is the little biopic of his life:

Without his knowing, Chou's friend entered their names for the Super New Talent King show. Chou accompanied his friend's hideous singing on the piano, and the host Jacky Wu happened to glance at Chou's music and hired him as a contract composer and paired him with a novice lyricist, Vincent Fang. Then Boom!

out of context Theatre Presents

Republican primary debate somewhere and everywhere.

Due to increasing demand

Oleg Kononenko

Found in a Kandahar cave

The Growl of the Dragon

On the Right, OUTRage always precedes incident

Like many Americans, I had no idea what Bill O'Really? was blathering about lately, but in the relentless pursuit of our editolerable policy, we look in from time to time, and read today, "To accuse Mr. Snow of factual inaccuracies without citing evidence is itself irresponsible, but to do it in an obit is outrageously inappropriate and an insult to the Snow family." Whew! how dare they? So, jeez, Mr. O'Really? what are you so upset about?

AP reported: "With a quick-from-the-lip repartee, broadcaster's good looks and a relentlessly bright outlook -- if not always a command of the facts -- he became a popular figure around the country to the delight of his White House bosses."

On further reflection

Wait a minute. O'Really? said "factual inaccuracies."
The obit said, "...if not always a command of the facts."

The Beagle takes the latter statement to be a fair and accurate statement about any White House press secretary without malice or prejudice or emotional injury to the family or setting off the rightwingo bloggers to complaint. Ari Fleischer says Scott McClellan didn't know a damn thing, adding, "and I should know 'cause they never told me jack." Are telling me that Dana Perino is up on every detail?

Other powerful media personalities in the District are kept in the dark and fed manure. Why should it be different in the public sector?

By What Authority Have You Done This?

Suddenly, the Congress has grown some testicular fortitude regarding the Butch-Chainey assault on the Constitution under the heading of "in order to fight evil around the world, the President can do any damn thing he pleases."

From the first, the Butch Administration has worked to wrap up so much authority in War President powers that, from election stealing to casual snooping, the damage could never be undone. As we all know, it'll be years before some smart person figures what went on the Oval Office over the past seven and a half years, but somebody was definitely getting screwed.

We are appreciatively concerned about circulation numbers, and according to our rigorous methods, it is through the roof. Five people or so voted last time and 13 people voted this time, another obvious 200 percent increase, which times the 150 percent projected weekly increase multiplied is easily up two million by Thanksgiving. And a chicken in every pot.

With safe nuclear energy and green offshore drilling for all

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: I have been reading about that Barry Blitt cartoon for a week, but I only received the New Yorker today.
A: Move east.

Q: Can really anybody not take a joke?
A: Laughter contribute healthily to life and the mental hygiene.

Q: I'm looking for a smaller car with a higher wheel base. Is it a sin to want a 6-cylinder engine in these times?
A: Be in assurance that your gas and oil are American, because they want to have friendly and truly care and not gouge you the way foreigners do, unless that is the going price.

Did you ever wonder about the Eagletown Bugle?

The Bugle is a quarterly publication with a purpose. Box 394. Eagletown, OK 74734. (580)835-xxxx. www.midamericasisterhood.org

Some existing nuclear power plants in America

See for yourself.

America is the area on the left.

McCaint's energy plan

Gas tax holiday, 45 new nuclear plants, cut estate taxes, cut some other taxes, cut regulation, drill like a son-of-a-bitch, cut taxes on the suffering oil and gas business so they will some extra money to drill like a son-of-a-bitch, cut miscellaneous taxes for the private relief of assorted friends and well wishers, but you get a $30 gas tax holiday next summer, mebbe, wahoo.

Two dog stories in quick succession

First, a Washington, D.C. researcher/editor forwards on a New Yorker cartoonist Peter Steiner panel with one dog saying to the other dog, "Barking at the mailman doesn't make you a media watchdog."

The Beagle never barks at the mailman, but caveat canus taken.

Second of two

Down the road, a woman goes to visit her neighbor, and the neighbor's 49-year-old son comes in drunk, says he's going to take a shower, snags a chilled MillerCoorsBudInBev and rattles around to the back of the house where, in a moment, Patches, the woman's Jack Russell Terrier, trots back to see what's going on. A short time later, they heard an explosion that sounded like a gunshot.

The neighbor's drunk son, Ryan Hayes, gave successive explanations of what happened:

• Patches was playing with his .357 Smith & Wesson magnum and accidentally shot himself in the head. (Police told him how unlikely it was that an 11-lb dog would be able to fit the gun barrel in its mouth and exert enough pressure to pull the trigger.)
• It was an accident.

No, not that Billy Crystal the comedian

William Kristol, the comedian, told us all a year ago about how the W. Butch Presidency is an unqualified success on every measure -- including winning the war in Iraq, no new terrorist attacks in the U.S. thanks to the personal behind the scenes work of Geo Butch and Dick C., winning in Afghanistan, a vibrant economy...the list goes on and on.

All the problems? Simply set them aside, e.g. "What about terrorism?" Kristol asks. "Apart from Iraq, there has been less of it, here and abroad." What happened to Iraq is safer than California? Billy needs to talk more with his friends and get on the right page. Loss of American jobs? No problem, "Bush has also (on the whole) resisted domestic protectionist pressures ...thereby helping sustain global economic growth." See too many people are looking at the small picture, loss of American jobs, trade imbalance, etc. What's important is global economic growth. What's good for Sinopec Zhnhai Refining and Chemical is good for the U.S.A. The Iraq war in general? It can only be assessed by trotting out a horrorshow of things Saddam Hussein might have done...

So Billy ends his crystal ball gazing by concluding that it all looks good for a Republican candidate to continue in Butch's tracks, just so long as he isn't tainted by having a record in Congress.

Due to innumerable reader requests

And the dollar's down, so it's actually worth less

The Environmental Protection Agency has devalued a "statistical life" for the calculation of cost benefit analyses from $7.8 million per person to $6.9 million per person, but the Beagle suspects that Butch Chainey actually value the individual American's life a little less.

What did he say?

We have become a nation of whiners. You hear this constant whining, complaining about a loss of competitiveness, America in decline. We've never been more dominant; we've never had more natural advantages than we have today.

We [my wife and I] have benefited greatly from the globalization of the economy and liberalization of the banking industry and official opposition to unions and the largess of interests, assets, allies, and paid friends over the last 30 years.

Mr. Gramm said the constant drubbing of the media on the economy's problems is one reason people have lost confidence.

An economic vision for our times

Phil Gramm says quit whining ya bunch of losers.

Is this some dude at McCain't's kid's school? Is this his preacher or lawyer or accountant or golfing partner or just some guy he used to work at the Senate with?

No. Phil is Jean McCain't's economic advisor.

Response to Hadron requests

The Bevalac began operation on August 1, 1974, and for a long time was the most powerful heavy ion accelerator in the world. In the Bevalac, the Bevatron was linked to the SuperHILAC linear accelerator. Nuclei began their journey in the SuperHILAC and then were passed through a transfer line to the Bevatron, where they were accelerated almost to the speed of light.

Who you gonna send?

Sergei Volkov and Oleg Kononenko

Imagine if all four went off

American spokespersons say the Iranians are just firing off their Army surplus crap they got from China and North Korea and disguised some old Scud missiles to make them look long-range, and some of them failed.

That is why a missile defense system in Czechoslovakia and Poland is so vital, and Condi Rice thinks any American president would want to invest heavily in a redundant system that pretends the Cold War is still an imminent threat (not an eminent threat as some have suggested). But now back to our movie.

Reader feedbag

A retiree from the Gettysburg area suggests, "The sub-title for the Beagletown Bugle should be News that sits and farts." The editolerable board will take this into consideration.

A concerned Oklahoma educator asks what are the conditions in which there is not a major ecological disaster associated with immersing a central Iowa nuclear reactor for some weeks. We are not readily aware of any.

An Alabama attorney tempts the Beagleboard with adopting George Bernard Shaw's motto, "My specialty is being right when other people are wrong."

Should McCain't's D-I-V-O-R-C-E be an issue?

Have you ever seen the like Second Coming television commercials with the Voice of God announcer and Sounds of Potential Doom If You Go the Wrong Way music with Jean McCain't hugging Ronnie while marching forward in the Reagan Revolution and ask yourself, didn't Nancy and Ron really write Jean off when he treat his first wife, Carol so shabbily, meeting Cindy in Hawaii, and then carrying on with her in Washington, D.C., Phoenix, and environs for some considerable time, then filling for divorce, and five weeks after it was final getting married to every first wife's freaking nightmare, a much younger, energetic, millionaire blond with her own $100 million beer distributor family fortune?

Among her holdings (don't expect the Beagle to resort to saying "his balls"):

• A 6,600-square foot Phoenix condo unit.
• Another condo on a lower floor in the same building.
• A 1,900-square foot, three-bedroom loft condo in Phoenix for their daughter.
• Two condos in an exclusive building in Coronado, California one for them and one for the kids.
• A scenic ranch outside Sedona, Arizona.
• A three-bedroom condo in Arlington, Virginia.
• A condo in La Jolla, California.

How many residences in how many states does your accountant have to keep track of?

Did you know?

The small town of Palo, just upstream from Cedar Rapids, and home of the Duane Arnold Energy Center, Iowa's only nuclear power plant, underwent a mandatory evacuation and remained under water until mid-June.

The scientific method

Evidence shows that allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly is unlikely to pose any significant risk to morale, good order, discipline or cohesion. -- A panel of four retired military with assistance from the University of California, Santa Barbara.

When some people with a different sexual orientation are in a close combat environment, it results in a lack of trust; [you can't concentrate in a firefight when you're wondering if your buddy is checking out your ass].-- Lt. Col. Robert Maginnis

OPEC Chief Chakib Khelil speaks out

More modern diplomacy

Not going to the opening ceremonies of the 2008 Olympics would be an affront to the Chinese [and Walmart]. -- Geo. W Butch, July 2008

Mr. Prime Minister, as I told you over the phone when I talked to you, and as in the past, [and on the tarmac when you met me, after dinner in the library, and just five minutes ago in the men's room,] the United States will not abandon you on (taking North Korea off the terrorist blacklist, which the Butch Administration basically has already done). -- Geo. W. Butch same event

There's no need to get snippy. -- Potentially appropriate reply

Modern diplomacy

For years we have been hearing we should listen to the words on the ground in Iraq. Then comes Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki calling for a timetable for withdrawal of U.S. troops (and their subcontractors and consultants). The official response is:

• We didn't hear what he said.
• He probably didn't mean it if he said it or maybe you misunderstood.
• That was just for a local audience, but when the final agreements are written, we'll be there a hundred years and more, so long as Jean McCain't is electicated.

My back pages

Story from 08/14/2007, Denver Post:

The FBI questioned the ex-wife of Chief U.S. District Judge Edward W. Nottingham after she revealed he spent thousands of dollars at the Diamond Cabaret strip club and subscribed to an Internet dating site that contains pornography.

More recently this judge is to rule whether Mark Jordan, an inmate serving time for bank robbery and stabbing another inmate, can receive pornographic material, including The New Yorker and Juxtapoz, in his cell at the United States Penitentiary Administrative Maximum, called ADX or Supermax in Florence, CO.

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: What is the chemical composition of your column?
A: Mean or median average? or do you want a range?
Q: In general.
A: Some say wisdom steeped in the cauldron of the mysterious Orient moves methodically through the eons. Others suggest otherly and say responses steeped in gin. Dionysian ecstacies and Gnostic revelations can provide insights, but they don't claim infallibility.
Q: Do you ever listen to yourself?
A: That's a koan in itself.

Hizbollah knuckle jabbing

In a middle eastern restaurant

near the hotel where Jimi Hendrix wrote the lyrics to Little Wing, in the back room, a group of individuals with various international relationships and questionable employments, students, radicals, bureaucrats, organizers, educators, explicators, scullers, strawberry pickers, bicycle mechanics, sociologists, literary critics, environmentalists, medical technology specialists, policy analyists, French chevaliers, painters, poets, preachers, pundits, knitters, nyet-ers, food docents, bee keepers, and hyacinth farmers ate shwarmah and did not plot the overthrow of the government even though discussions of Deer Island made some ask impertinent questions about covert security agencies.

Further research finds

That Hadron is not the place where the collider is, and it is possible to have a small one, that's what the one at Berkeley is, a small collider. But this is a big collider. Large collider. Biggest damn large collider ever built, and it is in Switzerland and France just to run a little zippy particle as fast as they can and see what it does, and then, apparently, it will be the end of the world.

Reader feedbag

Many responses have the theme, "I get it, but I don't understand," while others say, "I don't get it at all."

The editolerable policy is explicitly strict about clarity and transparody in its research and expositions, and we attempts in every instance to speech the truth writ plain.

Word builder

On a field trip to our nation's capitol city, the intrepid Byoogle staff paid 53 cents in the Thurgood Marshall airport for a certain publication that features a highly regarded national political reporter whose name rhymes with banana Fana Fillbank who introduces a word that will be increasingly useful in a diverse American political demographic:

chupamedias -- (CHOOP a ME di AS) vt., one who sucks socks.

Henceforth readers should read chupamedias as socksucker.

In a separate, unscheduled meeting

with another highly touted national political reporter, the Byoogle staff was dismayed to find that city investigators in the District of Columbia are confined to windowless, airless cells where they are fed manure and kept in the dark. Perhaps this is why a popular hobby in the city of Warshington is starting ridiculous arguments over inconsequential things. Or perhaps it is because it was built in a miasma. By contrast, the Beagletown newsroom is a tree-shaded yard on top of the world.

The Beagletown edditorible boards have deliberately come to the conclusion the political climate in our nation's capitol might not be so nasty and divisive if we should move the government to a place that is cooler, and the coolest place that comes to mind off the top is Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

Rightwingo celebrity activists = doublegood

From Brit Hume:

Game show host Pat Sajak says he and other famous folks have no business telling people who to vote for.

"Trust me, one's view of the world isn't any clearer from the back seat of a limo."

This does not prevent rightwingo Sajak from publishing his commentary in places like Human Events.

The value of any kind of impact studies

The F-22 Raptor may not be doing us any good on the streets of Baghdad or caves of Khost or Nimroz, but damn it looks cool burning fossil fuels at astronomical rates while waiting for a "peer" nation to develop a comparable technology or possibly using some of the ones we sold to them against us. Can I put you down for 183 of these? That'll be $36.6 billion, please. We'll throw in that undercoating for free; my manager has never allowed that before. Don't worry about making payments. We'll just direct withdraw it out of your check.
(Thanks to a retired soccer mom at 7,000 feet who is less touchy about getting credit but also very active in generating Beagle content.)

Due to reader requests

They said that Geo W Butch never changes his mind in response to political pressure (i.e. public sentiment) or developing realities, but -- mirable dictu -- the Bureau of Land Management has decided not to require two years of study for the environmental impact of solar power on public lands.
Of course, if there was such a study, they could stack it on top of other environmental impact studies that say that clear cutting timber and strip mining coal and copper and burrowing big holes in the ground for conventional oil drilling or knocking out the sides of mountains containing oil shale may have an adverse effect on the environment.
Meanwhile, poet Fred Milton has some deep concerns about wind power.
(Note: A DuPont Circle policymanufacturer who is touchy about getting stringer credit is single-handled pushing the Beagle into covering energy issues more extensively than some readers might expect.)

The people who got to hear William Jennings Bryan in 1908

It is not widely known that seven out of the first eight Democratic conventions were held in Baltimore, and two others for a total of nine Democratic conventions in Baltimore, most recently in 1912, the cycle after Denver hosted last. So the Beagle predicts confidently that the 2012 convention will be held in Baltimore. Watch this space.

Can you make this stuff up?

Colorado GOP Chairman Dick Wadhams thinks it's "weird" that Barack Obama might give his acceptance speech at Invesco Field where the Denver Broncos play instead of the Pepsi Center where the Denver Nuggets and Avalanche play or for that matter Coors Field where the Rockies play (is that enough product placement for one post?)

"This is not 1908, when the only people who could hear it were the ones in the hall," Wadhams said.

Gee, good point. Why let anybody in Invesco Field at all, ever? Let the peons eat pork rinds and watch the Broncs get clubbed on t.v. (2007 record: 7-9)

News from the backyard

While the Beagle editerrible board was relaxing on a beautiful summer day, a piece of news and potential commentary intruded unasked, bringing controversy that would give a multi-million dollar blowhardrightist like Rush enough material for an hour and a half...
The ice cream truck was playing, "Union Maid."
Consistent with our policy of reporting the news before it happens, the Beagle is waiting for Jonathan Coors or a surrogate to complain this is undermining his vital effort to get right to work for less pass on the Colorado ballot this fall. Or maybe, keeping with Colorado labor history, the Pinkertons will just go out and club or shoot all the ice cream truck drivers.

Mandela rehabilitated; hope for others

If those big whiners at Guantanamo are still unhappy that the bernaise on their filet minon isn't too their liking, all they have to do in order to get their status reconsidered is to get out of jail somehow, be elected president of their country, and then turn 90. See, it's not enough just to be redeemed by the international community or even enough to be the first democratically elected president of your country. The wheels of justice can move a little slowly, so you might have to wait nine years after you've left office to be designated "not a terrorist." But still, it shows the system works.

God has called him home

The God of racist assholes, if there is such a god, called Jesse Helms home.
Both supporters and enemies can agree that he said it best when it said, "If you want to call me a bigot, fine." Put it on his tombstone.

What really sets Jesse Helms apart is that he is the last prominent unabashed white racist politician in this country. -- David Broder

Fourth of July Extravaganza

The Beagle goes green

Corporate America has been blathering for years about how environmentally conscious it is, but now it is out of control. It's the hip, new thing to want to dump the Hummer and set the thermostat at 71 or replace all those old primitive Edison light bulbs with modern groovy Tesla bulbs. Hip, hip, hooray for taking your own bags to the grocery store while headquarters thinks up new unique plastic, un-reusable food containers to fill future landfills and give you five cents off your gas. ExxonMobileShellConocoAmocoBP love love love wading birds, burbling brooks and mountainous vistas, just like you and me. But they want you to keep buying oil, especially at these prices, can you believe people are paying this?

The editerrible board would like to take this occasion to note that more than 100 percent of the Beagle content is recycled product and some of it, easily, is recycled three or four times.

Movie of the week

Folks scoff at a 184-foot accelerator at the Berkeley lab but there it is

Large Hadron Collider

The Large Hadron Collider is a collider that makes things run into things, and it is a big one, and it is in Hadron or someplace.

A gracious soul

You'd think he was a Republican, the way he talks about God and family values, demonstrates family values, contributes to the international community, preaches unity, raises consciousness, brings a fuller awareness of human struggles and helps us love America despite its faults and love life despite its tribulations and love love in spite of its difficult permutations, who lives and models hope and persistence,who is contributing to realizing his vision of a better America, champion of justice, poet of The Truth, who has consistently dedicated himself to improving his performance, and who has done more to motivate white men to dance than the combined output of MillerCoorsMiller. But, no, he's a Democrat.

Pistol-packing Linda

Linda Chavez says the District of Columbia will be a safer place to work and live now that everybody will be packing. Mandatory conceal and carry laws has meant everyone is just nicer to each other, not knowing who'll have the drop on them.
Linda's own experience stands as testimony.

• Soon after the gun ban went into effect, a terrifying intruder hid in my house. I happened to see the man lurking near my staircase. If I'd had my trusty .357, I could have bagged him, and with Make My Day laws, I'd be looking at a medal instead of some ignert investigation.
• Around the same time, a serial rapist attacked two women who lived within a block of my house. I still couldn't legally keep my own personal, fully paid-for gun nearby to protect myself. Police eventually caught the rapist, a teenager armed with a knife, but if I had had my rod I could have snuffed the rat bastard and saved the taxpayers the expense of a lengthy trial.
• I heard an awful racket through the walls of my Capitol Hill townhouse. My husband rushed outside to see our young neighbor visibly shaken. He'd found a man in his upstairs hallway, burglarizing the house obviously . If I'd had my gat, I could have aerated the punk and put the neighborhood on better footing for the future.
  

More little Butch through the looking glass

"When I use a word,' the War President and Commander in Chief who has supreme powers in conduct of any wars or undeclared regime changes said, in a rather scornful tone,' it means just what I choose it to mean, neither more nor less."
"That's why, when one my CIA operatives who work for me, remember, me, the War President, tries to bust in on my parade about some faulty intelligence related to Iraqi or Irani weapons of mass destruction, it is necessary -- in the interest of national security and a permanent Republigaggle majority -- to either falsify the reporting or not file the damn reports at all. That's what I did."

Good news for suicides

Suicidal loners chugging cases of MillerCoors and fondling their .357's broke out in non-psilocybin-induced euphoria over the U.S. Supreme Court's decision to trample on states' rights and put words into the founding fathers' mouths by allowing free exercise of handguns in their 12th street garrets and S.E. English basements without trigger locks and other unConstitutional barriers.

Right way to read poll numbers

In the Beagle's latest poll on apathy and ignorance, apathy was chosen by an alarming number of respondents (1), losing overwhelmingly to the number of people who chose ignerce (2). However, considering that the increase rate of readership and poll participation has been recorded at 150 percent per week, this means of the total readership of 37.5 people, 34 and one half persons were too apathetic to push the stinking button, like it was going to kill them, meaning that apathy won the poll by like 1,250 percent.

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: What do you make of Johns Hopkins University's research done for the National Institute on Drug Abuse that found that psilocybin is good for everyone, and should be passed out in fistfuls to anyone presenting themselves at a research facility with symptoms of not feeling centered or having self-doubts or never having more than four spiritually significant experiences or otherwise not feeling joyful or ecstatic or being an alcoholic and/or drug addict or dealing with psychological distress of serious illness?
A: There is not yet universal scientific consensus on many aspects of indiscriminate experimentation with psychotropic substances. Any reliable analysis must be on a much longer term than many of the recent studies have looked at. Until science surrounding gobbling 'shrooms is clear, I am unwilling to commit significant resources to damaging economic hardships and substantial reductions in quality of life.
Q: Aren't you just paraphrasing Colorado Sen. Wayne Allard's statement on global warning?
A: At least I didn't come off all Jim Inhofe-ish, saying psilocybin is the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people.

Can you make this stuff up?

"American officials have said that they cannot return Huzaifa Parhat and 16 other Uighur detainees at Guantánamo to China for fear of mistreatment..."

Say it three times and it's true

"Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
What I tell you three times is true."

When the Government has made secret accusations in secret documents three times, it becomes a secret fact, and the President -- as Commander in Chief -- takes these secret facts together and personally goes out to prevent terrorist attacks in a purely non-partisan way. But nefarious activist judges who hate America want to allow enemy combatants free reign and tie up the courts endlessly in ways that expose our precious secrets to the enemy, possibly losing a U.S. city as a result which will likely be overcome by militant jihadist Snarks and their willing allies, i.e. anyone who disagrees with the Commander in Chief who has kept America safe from any further terrorist attacks with one hand tied behind his back.

Swift Boat veterans for obfuscation

Among the people who took offense at Gen. Wesley Clark's comment that getting shot down in a plane doesn't qualify a person to be president was Air Force Col. George E. "Bud" Day of the Swift Boat Veterans for Lying Their Asses Off.
Can Democrats use McCain't line about "it doesn't reduce the price of gas by one penny" to every irrelevance brought up by the Republoslatherers?
We will take your silence as assent.

Found in a Kandahar cave