Percentage of announced GOSPer Presidential hopefuls who wear spiritual underwear: 22%
Number of announced GOSPer Presidential contenders who attended under-accredited Christian law schools in Tulsa: 11%
Helmet hair: 89%
Ruffled professorial tonsure: 11%
Libertarian: 11%
Fake Libertarian: 89%
Total charges pending at Tiffany's for all candidates: $2 million
Percentage of pending Tiffany's charges owed by washed up nonentities still trying to convince someone they are too groovy to be comprehended by the mainstream media, traditional politicians, family, friends, former allies and staff: 100%
Number of candidates who want to eliminate the Federal Reserve: 3
Number of candidates who want to return to the Gold Standard: 3
Number of candidates who want to return to the 19th century: 7
Willing to go the extra mile because they have the fire in the belly: 110%
Courageous enough to stand foursquare behind the American dream: 110%
Recognize America needs a new course: 100%
Believe that it should be a luxury golf course: 97%
Are at Grover Norquist's beck and call: 86%
Are at David and Charles Koch's beck and call: 92%
Are at Beck's beck and Rush's call: 97%
Committed to be on the spot to make the calls: 110%
Believe Ronald Reagan was an American saint: 100%
Remember George W. Bush (43): 0%
Note: All percentages derived from wild guesstimates or pure invention.
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