Good news for suicides

Suicidal loners chugging cases of MillerCoors and fondling their .357's broke out in non-psilocybin-induced euphoria over the U.S. Supreme Court's decision to trample on states' rights and put words into the founding fathers' mouths by allowing free exercise of handguns in their 12th street garrets and S.E. English basements without trigger locks and other unConstitutional barriers.

Right way to read poll numbers

In the Beagle's latest poll on apathy and ignorance, apathy was chosen by an alarming number of respondents (1), losing overwhelmingly to the number of people who chose ignerce (2). However, considering that the increase rate of readership and poll participation has been recorded at 150 percent per week, this means of the total readership of 37.5 people, 34 and one half persons were too apathetic to push the stinking button, like it was going to kill them, meaning that apathy won the poll by like 1,250 percent.

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: What do you make of Johns Hopkins University's research done for the National Institute on Drug Abuse that found that psilocybin is good for everyone, and should be passed out in fistfuls to anyone presenting themselves at a research facility with symptoms of not feeling centered or having self-doubts or never having more than four spiritually significant experiences or otherwise not feeling joyful or ecstatic or being an alcoholic and/or drug addict or dealing with psychological distress of serious illness?
A: There is not yet universal scientific consensus on many aspects of indiscriminate experimentation with psychotropic substances. Any reliable analysis must be on a much longer term than many of the recent studies have looked at. Until science surrounding gobbling 'shrooms is clear, I am unwilling to commit significant resources to damaging economic hardships and substantial reductions in quality of life.
Q: Aren't you just paraphrasing Colorado Sen. Wayne Allard's statement on global warning?
A: At least I didn't come off all Jim Inhofe-ish, saying psilocybin is the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people.

Can you make this stuff up?

"American officials have said that they cannot return Huzaifa Parhat and 16 other Uighur detainees at Guantánamo to China for fear of mistreatment..."

Say it three times and it's true

"Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
What I tell you three times is true."

When the Government has made secret accusations in secret documents three times, it becomes a secret fact, and the President -- as Commander in Chief -- takes these secret facts together and personally goes out to prevent terrorist attacks in a purely non-partisan way. But nefarious activist judges who hate America want to allow enemy combatants free reign and tie up the courts endlessly in ways that expose our precious secrets to the enemy, possibly losing a U.S. city as a result which will likely be overcome by militant jihadist Snarks and their willing allies, i.e. anyone who disagrees with the Commander in Chief who has kept America safe from any further terrorist attacks with one hand tied behind his back.

Swift Boat veterans for obfuscation

Among the people who took offense at Gen. Wesley Clark's comment that getting shot down in a plane doesn't qualify a person to be president was Air Force Col. George E. "Bud" Day of the Swift Boat Veterans for Lying Their Asses Off.
Can Democrats use McCain't line about "it doesn't reduce the price of gas by one penny" to every irrelevance brought up by the Republoslatherers?
We will take your silence as assent.

Found in a Kandahar cave