General Motors of the future

In case you're calm

* The Four Horsemen

Evidence now reveals dog content quota

A producer for a Washington-based tentacle of a well-known Media Octopus -- pressed against the wall and weakened by intoxicants -- admitted that the quota for stories about dogs that must be found or invented each day is 5 percent.

Beagletorporial research methods revealed

Good for what ails ya

Beagles in history

A rocknroll expert, who is also apparently a student of political history, notes the longstanding hostility toward Beagles at the highest levels of official Washington, D.C.

Living in a police state

Among the things that have changed since Sept. 11, 2001, is that every schmuck with a uniform feels they are on god's quest. The TSA dude that confiscates your cigarette lighter with extreme prejudice -- or the one who acts like you're a dangerous criminal because your shampoo bottle is 3.5 ounces -- are all part of a squadron of designated junior jackboots who are only following orders, or failing that, standard operating procedures.

Like the cop who stopped Houston Texan running back Ryan Moats in Plano at the emergency ward entrance with his mother-in-law in her last moments of life. Officer Robert Powell held him until just after she died -- looking for his insurance card.

Dallas Police Chief David Kunkle said Thursday afternoon. "I don't know how you train for these circumstances other than to hire people with good common sense and people skills."

(From an Alabama attorney)

30s movie

Sunday Drive

Mainstream media's assault against dogs

Hard to name two more high-powered media figures than Martha Stewart and Oprah Winfrey. Hard to picture two more brutal dog slaughters active today. Consider:

Martha Stewart's chow, Genghis Kahn, was killed in a propane explosion at the kennel. You don't think while she was in the slammer, the other girls schooled her on how to get rid of a chow and make it look like an accident? We do.

Oprah Winfrey is a well-known serial dog killer. Some of us have seen her on tv talking about fixing up a lamb and rice curry for her pets. Phooey.

• Ivan, cocker spaniel, gastrointestinal (too rich food) , RIP.
• Sophie, cocker spaniel, kidney failure (too rich food), RIP.
• Gracie, golden retreiver, choked on a ball, (thought it was steak tartare), RIP.
  

More proof

Further evidence of the Obama Administration's secret plan to enforce the Fairness Doctrine with prejudice.

GOSPer humor in a nutshell

Liberals are stoopid (ha ha ha).
Liberals are stoopid and ugly (ha ha haha ha).
Liberals are stoopid and ugly and fat (ha haha ha ha ha).

This counts as sophisticated satire....just ask Laura Ingraham.

Literary critical note: The tolerance for Restoration comedy was running out at the end of the 17th century, as public opinion turned to respectability and seriousness even faster than the talk show commentators did.

Balls

Major Garrett stands up in an inquisitive way and with an earnest expression seeking something like the truth asks, "Hey, the Chinese Communists don't trust the dollar anymore and they want to establish an international currency, and all your socialist friends in Europe say you're going too fast, so what happened to your campaign promise that the world would worship you as a savior, hunh? What happened to that???"

Kultral notes

Shelly Winters should seriously wise up. Consider:

In He ran all the way, John Garfield picks her up at the public pool then takes her family hostage. Even after he threatened to shoot her father if he didn't carve the turkey, she was ready to run off with him.

In The night of the hunter, Robert Mitchum insinuates himself with recently widowed Shelly so he can find the secret stash of the money that only the kids know, and after he kills her and goes around with the kids trying to find out the secret, thank heavens for Lillian Gish who beats Sam Elliott by many years in saying, "They will abide."

In A Place in the sun, it's Montgomery Clift taking her for a ride in a rowboat to dumpsville.

Recurring tragic codependencies. Didn't her mother ever teach her?

Hot seller

The way forward

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: My job is merde if I have a job, tranche is the only French I know, orders are low, materials scarce, and costs being what they are, my piece of the rock is a bag of fruity pebbles.

A: Also in the advice business, shortening and tightening as needs are high and available coverage conscribed by multiplan holders generally not operable.

Q: Have you lost weight? I mean. Shouldn't you lose weight?

A: Optimal charts are a minimalist approach to what is regular.

The line

Here is a picture of the line that liberals are always crossing when they talk about political figures that conservatives, so-called, never do cross.

Years ago, when some of the Beagles were employed, that enterprise was charged with comparing Bush to Hitler, not because anyone associated with it had ever said "Bush is like Hitler" but because Moveon.org had had a video contest and one of the contestants did. For six months, the middle name of this org was "who compared Bush to Hitler." Bogus.

When Hillary Clinton said, "they run that Congress like a plantation" in Harlem for goshsakes, every conservative said, "oh how appalling that she would play the race card." It didn't matter than none of them had sat around talking with Black people and heard it ten times a day. It didn't matter than Newt Gingrich said the same damn thing. A mass tch-tching went on for weeks. Tch-tch.

Glenn Beck has a picture of Barack Obama in Nazi regalia on his website. He claims to have 190,000 adherents in his "we surround them" project to put the politicians on notice that Americans know what the 2nd Amendment is for. He says he can't confirm or deny whether Obama is planning to use the concentration camps set up all over the country, and whines that it's unfair that Bill Maher says this is how Tim McVeigh got started.

Hey, Bill, comparing Beck to McVeigh. That crosses a line. See? See the line? See it?

Reader feedbag

An exported Okie who has reportedly been to NYC on numerous occasions notes: "I particularly liked the NYC airplane ride. Reminded me of my career flying around in circles at a hurried pace, going nowhere," a sentiment that resonates with many past and present who worked at the same wind farm.

One who rules the eastern world concludes, after an hour-long cruise on the "voyage of the Beagle" that some of the Beagletolerables and Beagleterribles might have slipped off their moorings.

This conclusion echoed indirectly by a former management bulldog who, consistent with the view of Human Resources fiends everywhere, asks what substances propel the maniacal ravings found on these pages? And where can they be obtained?

These and all other questions will be reserved and considered.

Maybe this

... is part of our problem. For a while there, Friedrich was in the lead.

Runner up.

A decidedly upward trend

The Beagle has gone viral as of 3/23/09, with more unique readers than subscriptors.

A movie with a message

Another downward indicator

Something new to worry about

Do you think it is a coincidence that the Communists and their friends in the mainstream media turned loose Burmese Pythons in the pro-America areas of this great nation? Of course not.

Burmese Pythons and their liberal friends in Washington hate real Americans that work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God. They grow up to 20 feet long and 250 pounds and like to eat things much bigger than their heads, like Walmart shoppers.

Look for a sharp rise in Pentecostalism.

Conspiracy or coincidence?

Be attuned to the latest threat

If you have a den like this

You will definitely want to listen to this. The Beagletolerables suspend our longstanding ban on promoting any item for sale and urge you to buy the entire Mr Untel catalogue.

Presaging events in the U.S.

After being dogged relent- lessly by a radio host, Mada- gascar President Marc Ravalo- manana finally gave in and handed the government over to the military which walked it down the street to Andry Rajoelina.

"Screw it. We don't want it," the military is reported to have said.

Months ago, Rajoelina declared a parallel government with himself in charge. Some say it won't be long before the same thing happens here, as soon as Rush, Shamity, Bleech, and Michael Savage decide among themselves who will take the helm.

One excited Beagle

Put down the papers, put down all the papers, cover your whole house in newspapers....

The Beagletolerables found a counter to add to the site and discovered that we had about 10 times as many readers as we thought.

When you tune into the Beagle, you are part of an army of informed readers who get:

• News before it happens (proven track record).
  
• Fair and balanced coverage (trust us).
  
• A level of analysis not available anywhere else.

Let the A.I.G. boys know how you feel

Breaking Madagascar news

Mayor Andry Rajoelina came out of his hidey hole to challenge President Marc Ravalomanana to hit the bricks within four hours, similar in its way to what the O'Really?, Ham-ity, Bleech, Limbo cabal do every day in America.

A mistake that TrankMyMonkey dot com has never made

Malaysia is not in TMM's service area.

This earmark got the Van Gogh treatment

Okay, if not Rush or Michael, you pick a leader

A rare glimpse behind the scenes

bEAGLWTon newsroom control panel.

Looking for the bottom in NYC.

According to the Beagle's sponsoring platform...

Obama + Hitler = 7.9 million hits
Obama + John Kennedy = 7.7 million hits
Obama + Castro = 7.6 million hits
Obama + Roosevelt = 5.8 million hits
Obama + Oprah = 5.7 million hits
Obama + Bruce Springsteen = 4.0 million hits
Obama + Abraham Lincoln = 3.4 million hits
Obama + Marx = 2.9 million hits
Obama + Martin Luther King Jr. = 2.5 million hits
Obama + Stalin = 2.2 million hits
Obama + Lenin = 1.2 million hits
Obama + Antichrist = 0.9 million hits

Your actual hits may vary depending on what Adm. Poindexter is allowing through this week.

The future of the Party

The Republican party should evolve further into a true party of the Right. RINOs and CINOs must be purged from all positions of importance, prevented from running on the party label, and discouraged from getting active in the party. This also means that the Republican Party should stand firm on at least the following points:

(a) Oppose gay marriage and 'gay rights' generally.
(b) Allow only pro-lifers to be Republicans.
(c) Take official party stands against evolution and global warming.
(d) Most important: make clear that the Republican Party is a Christian Right party. No secular 'Republicans' allowed.

-- a new leadling looter, lopsy looker, leading light and visionary, some guy responding to a column by Cal Thomas.

(Ed note: When the party takes its official position against evolution, it won't be allowed to evolve, and as we latins like to say res ipsa loquitur.)

Purity police

Reader feedbag

When the Beagletorians are not posting or going back and editing old posts, we sit and watch the clicker spin on the BeaglePolls, and thus we witnessed an exciting upset when -- with only 47 minutes to go -- a ready reader pushed baboons up over howlers in a race that had been tied for days.

One area respondent says she votes in every poll, offering without being asked, "I vote...every time. I don't care if those others are lying to you, I vote. I really do!," acting, perhaps, as if there was a penalty for not voting, which, actually, there isn't.

A lost sheep has been found living the life of Riley reporting his dramatic weight loss is a planned effort to stop women from dressing him with his eyes. He continues his home improvements on his Gulf slip and Guelph sloop.

A Washington, D.C. protocol officer reports that Al From -- having saved the Democratic Party from itself, but not able to get Obama to pose on the steps of the Capitol with Obama patting him on the back for singlehandedly winning the 2008 election -- has decided to hang up his spurs and write a whole book about what a genius he is.

Order your t-shirt today!

Our bipartisan national conversation about job creation, stimulating small business and middle class tax relief

Lenin and Stalin would love this stuff. – Mike Huckabee

What Obama has done is an abomination. – Tom DeLay

Obama does not understand economics. – Tom DeLay

Obama's goal is to advance a leftist agenda. – Tom DeLay

...the boldest effort to create a European socialism we have ever seen. – Newt Gingrich

The Obama administration is just plain dumb. – Newt Gingrich

...in his heart, Joe Biden is a good English socialist. – Newt Gingrinch

Obama's plans are one big down payment on a new American socialist experiment. – John Boehner

Obama is the world's best salesman of socialism. – Jim DeMint.

Obama is a radical communist. – Alan Keyes

Obama is a communist. He's like Fidel Castro. – Victoria Jackson.

Can we make this schtuff up?

Proof you can say anything

House Republicans would like to see this administration join us in our bipartisan national conversation about job creation, stimulating small business and middle-class tax relief.

-- Brad Dayspring, spokesman for House GOP Whip Eric Cantor of Virginia

Branding 101

Right now the GOSPer gang is not the Off the Hook party as much as its the stodgy, Mad Men, narrow ties, martinis, short hair, sharp shoes, old spice, old style, brother, that's been done party.

A lot of people are going for the Republ- I CAN party, i.e. we are the party of can do as opposed to those schmucks who want the government to control every aspect of your lives. But GOSPers need to signal a real change that will resonate with the target cohorts.

Change one letter, and think of the possibilities.

Republicat.

I'm a republicat = I'm cool, man.

News before it happens

Victoria Jackson exalted that she wanted Rush Limbaugh for President and Sean Hannity for Vice President on the Pure Hammity show this evening. She is another emerging leadle leeder, lottle loorder, lady leader, the kind the Republicats need.

We're not kidding

Sham Hamitup has definitive proof of of Barack Obama's true leanings.

Newsprint on the fingers

The Beagletarians got a hold of an actual newspaper the other day, and boy does that take some of us who remember newspapers back. Dag. It seems like only yesterday when the redcoats came to quell the Boston rebellion and Benjamin Edes carried his printing press and typefaces alone under cover of darkness down to the Charles River to a ready boat and rowed to the other side, where he managed to put out a makeshift paper on lumpy paper with gunky ink, but died bitter at President John Adams -- his partner in the radical days -- who got the Sedition Act jammed through. Edes shut down the Boston Gazette, took his printing press home, and set and re-set type in his parlor just for grins until 1797.

The paper we got to see with our hands is the Julesburg Advocate, which boasts "You won't see a newspaper like THIS every day...Just once a week."

One of the stories they were catching up on (below a photograph of a Cat in the Hat readalong) was the disturbing news that shopkeepers and newshandlers all over Julesburg, Ovid, and Sedgwick found like 50 cents in the tray for $20 worth of newspapers the day the last Rocky Mountain News came out. If CSI were here, they could trace it down to the swap meets and rummage sales all over the county.

My day in three words

A consummate organizer forwards this item.

Ask Dr. Hin?

Q: Republicationists run ever thing for six years, run us into two wars, run up an $11 trillion tab and say "ain't no thing," and then when we the people decide we've had enough, they blame poor people for putting us in this mess?

A: It would be helpful if you would frame the question in a less rhetorical form.

Q: Just like Somalia, right? Geo Sr. throws a bunch of "peacekeeper" "nation-building" troops in Somalia, like -- here ya go, Bill, best of luck with all that, keep in touch...And then Geo. Jr. -- turd in the punchbowl, "here's $700 billion we didn't have to go burn $100 bills." Then they turn around and say that Democrat earmarked money going to some some rare rodent research could've paved your driveway and that paver would bought groceries at your Aunt Sadie's corner store but instead it'll go to fatten the pockets of the bureaucrats in Washington who don't do a gol durn thing. But where do they think money comes from? Did you know Luxembourg owns 2 percent of the national debt? Do you think that's a small amount, because when you consider Luxembourg's got less than half a million people, together they own a fair piece of like Iowa or probably all of New Hampshire that the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg can say, call it in, hey -- America! Give me 2 percent of 11 trillion, eh, round it down, give me Philadelphia and Pittsburg, you can keep State College, and Atlanta, Georgia, and we'll call it even?

A: Yes, it's just like that.

Road rage

Getting yer money back

A simple formula for investment strategies...

GOSPer plan to resurrect party

Rush desk icon

All seats reserved

Uncanny

A Longshot Initiative: Better Americans for a Better America (ALI BABA)

Consider the possibilities...

Rush Limbaugh, President/Czar
Sean Hannity, Vice President

Neil Cavuto, Office of Management Budget
James Dobson, Office of Science and Technology
Josh Bolton, Ann Coulter, Michael Savage, National Security Council
Michelle Malkin, Tom DeLay, Phil Gramm, Council of Economic Advisors

Patricia A. Woertz, Agriculture
Tom J. Donohue (withdrawn), Michael Reagan (withdrawn), Judd Gregg (not funny), vacant, Commerce
Robert J. Stevens, Defense
Rupert Murdock, Education
Rex Tillerson, Energy
Dr. Laura Schlesinger, Health and Human Services
Dog the Bounty Hunter, Homeland Security
McGruff the Crime Dog, Housing and Urban Development
Marius Kloppers, Interior
Bill O'Reilly, Justice
George Will, Labor
Pat Robertson (jointly with designee of Netanyahu's foreign minister), State
John Stossel, Transportation
Donald Trump, Treasury
Moe the Chimp (withdrawn), Cal Thomas, Veterans Affairs

Somewhere west of here

Getting tough on McGruff

A Maryland sociologist suggests a temporary lift of the ban on dog stories for the sake of alerting all of America to the rising tide of violence against people who have to make their livings dressed up in a mascot suit.

...who's next?

History or culture?

an even more extensive list of Depression songs with liner notes.

or a dancing cockatoo forwarded from a spanish psychologist in the Springs.

A shaggy dog

Reader feedbag

A retired pilot reminds us of the Hopi warnings that the white man would eventually create 10 to 100 micron-sized pieces of aluminum to create chemtrails purportedly to change the weather and/or reduce global warming without regard to health consequences. In detail.

Beagletonians don't always disagree when a lone, brave voice in southern Pennsylvania says, "By the way the Chimps are on Capitol Hill spending the working people's money for the good of all???".

A Washington, D.C. based editor bemoans the loss of the Rocky, saying "How many 'passing of an era' feelings can we have in one lifetime???" We predict it will be many more before the feeling goes away, and we will set out rocking on the virtual porch, videoconferencing about having to wash ink off our hands.

Footnote to previous

Two-thirds of the total responses to last weeks' alert included triple question marks. The multiple question marks were both from readers in mid-Atlantic states and the single question mark user was writing from the Southeast. You can jump to your own conclusions.

On the best day (one of which was last week), BeaglePolls have as as much as 4 percent participation, enhancing its credibility as a cultural barometer. If as few as 3 million people got the alerts, then as many as 120,000 would be voting, and this data could be used to change the balance of the 21st century???

Scrap the eagle

A Brooklyn psychologist forwards this image perhaps suggesting its suitability as the new national emblem, i.e. a Japanese import that is partly delicious and mostly full of empty air and cannot possibly be as fantastic as all of the hoopla suggests, but improperly prepared will certainly paralyze and/or kill you.